Alan's Hum-o-rama Serving up groans and moans for over 4 years! Our archive of 4,000 unique and rated jokes!!   Home Jokes Page Sounds/Videos/Etc Special Funnies Most Popular Other Links Humor Categories Search Filters:    Return Rated: PG?    R?    NC17?      Latest added Voted Funniest Voted Worst Most voted on Adult Bar & Drinking Blonde Computer Doctor & Medical Engineer Family & Kids Irish Jewish Lawyer Men & Marriage Misc One-liners Political Quotes Redneck Religious Search collection Suggest a Category Looking for a baby gift? Look no further.... 255 'PG','R' rated jokes in the category Religious Move to Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 Sequence: Voted funniest Voted lamest Most voted on Oldest -> Newest Newest -> Oldest Joke #4215 Rating: R 100 votes Click thumb to vote! 27 votes HOLY MATTERS A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, it's nothing," says St. Peter, "It's just someone getting A hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "Someone's getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks St. Peter. "I think I'll go down to Hell, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's okay," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that" get facebook password   Joke #3213 Rating: R 98 votes Click thumb to vote! 11 votes "S.O.B." Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"   Joke #2300 Rating: PG 97 votes Click thumb to vote! 14 votes HEAVEN & CLINTON The scene: HEAVEN The year: 2031 President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World," "Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." Click Here To Earn $$$ Joke #3905 Rating: R 89 votes Click thumb to vote! 15 votes Catholics Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Ryan says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks, the 1st nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. ' Oh look,' says the 1st nun...' It's a soap dispenser.' To test her theory, the 2nd nun also pulls his tool and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The 3rd nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, she yells....." HAND LOTION!!"   Joke #1643 Rating: R 87 votes Click thumb to vote! 5 votes A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you motherfuckers are alright."   Joke #1979 Rating: PG 86 votes Click thumb to vote! 142 votes One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman." Looking for a baby gift? Look no further.... Loveabye.com is run by a personal friend. This is the MOST UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL gift for an expecting mom or a newborn child. And its a good cause. Please check it out. Joke #1730 Rating: R 85 votes Click thumb to vote! 8 votes Subject: GRANDPA A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility, they come to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," say grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doc'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they call me the Fucking Jew."   Move to Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 Sequence: Voted funniest Voted lamest Most voted on Oldest -> Newest Newest -> Oldest

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