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115 'PG','R' rated jokes in the category Lawyer Move to Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Sequence: Voted funniest Voted lamest Most voted on Oldest -> Newest Newest -> Oldest Joke #1329 Rating: PG 1480 votes Click thumb to vote! 298 votes The blonde and the lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. . cosmetic dentists in, teeth whitening north London, emergency dentist.   Joke #4099 Rating: PG 105 votes Click thumb to vote! 38 votes How 'bout this for poetic justice............ True Story! Lawyers Darwin Award Contest How great is this? What a country. A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the man or his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin Award Contest.   Joke #3984 Rating: PG 101 votes Click thumb to vote! 27 votes The New Lawyer After successfully passing the bar exam, Alland up his own law office. One day he was sitting idly at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him in!" Allan exclaimed. An idea popped into his head and he quickly picked up the phone as his secretary was returning with the man. Allan shouted into the phone, "...and you can tell them that we won't accept less than sixty thousand, and don't call me again until you agree to that amount!" He slammed down the phone and stood up to greet his visitor. "Good morning, Mr. Jones! What can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect your phone." Click Here To Earn $$$ Joke #3826 Rating: PG 64 votes Click thumb to vote! 8 votes These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.   Joke #1897 Rating: PG 62 votes Click thumb to vote! 19 votes TOP 15 THINNEST BOOKS 15. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 5. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 4. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 3. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the World's Number One Shortest book... 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton   Joke #3935 Rating: PG 54 votes Click thumb to vote! 33 votes A little boy named Timmy and another little boy named Ralph were playing outside one day. Timmy:"What does your daddy do for work?" Ralph:"He's a doctor. What does your daddy do for work?" Timmy:"He's a lawyer." Ralph:"Honest?" Timmy:"No, just the regular kind!" Looking for a baby gift? Look no further.... Loveabye.com is run by a personal friend. This is the MOST UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL gift for an expecting mom or a newborn child. And its a good cause. Please check it out. Joke #4202 Rating: PG 54 votes Click thumb to vote! 55 votes An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."   Move to Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Sequence: Voted funniest Voted lamest Most voted on Oldest -> Newest Newest -> Oldest