Kazaa, PlayStation 2, Star Search, Eminem, Jennifer Lopez, Lord of the Rings, Joe Millionaire, Avril Lavigne, SpongeBob SquarePants, Christina Aguilera, Ja Rule, Britney Spears, Spiderman, mp3, Internal Revenue Service, Funny Movies, Funny MPEGS, Funny, Humor
Kazaa, PlayStation 2, Star Search, Eminem, Jennifer Lopez, Lord of the Rings, Joe Millionaire, Avril Lavigne, SpongeBob SquarePants, Christina Aguilera, Ja Rule, Britney Spears, Spiderman, mp3, Internal Revenue Service, Funny Movies, Funny MPEGS, Funny, Humor
First, great news: I FOUND NEMO!
And for some more great news: SADAM'S MAKEOVER HAS BEGUN!
And now time for congratulations to the man below who claims to be over his anorexia - somehow, I believe him.
Have you heard that MICHEAL JACKSON EXCAPED!
Oh yeah, and please be careful what you leave lying around the house.
THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE
~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
~ By eating equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, you will have a balanced diet.
~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
~ Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
~ A. Because no one wants to quit.
~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
The five questions are:
1 - “What are you thinking?”
2 - “Do you love me?”
3 - “Do I look fat?”
4 - “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 - “What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, is of
course, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman
you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife,
Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of
thinking.”
The other questions also have only one right answer,
but many wrong answers:
2 - “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes,
dear.” Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I’ve seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could
be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard thay you
almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong
answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and
I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s
Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the
lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
”Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would
be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”
”Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of couse not, dear” said the
husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do,
dear” he said. “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” “Alright,” said the
husband, “I’d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguelyhurt.
”Yes” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the
wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the
husband. “I see,” said the wife indignantly.”And would you let her wear my
old clothes?” “I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “Really!”
said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct
thing to do.” “Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I
suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,”
said the husband. “She is left-handed.”
This moron goes running over to his friend’ s house all excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle. He was beaming with pride shouting that he had completed the puzzle in 5 months. His friend said “what is so great about that?” He said “are you kidding?” “ Look,” he cried “the box says 3 to 7 years and it only took me 5 months.”
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
It’s not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin’ on the clothesline.
George Lindsey
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
John Mendoza
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
