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159  Jokes VOTE: 27 votes 79 votes   One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 61 votes 7 votes   HEAVEN & CLINTON The scene: HEAVEN The year: 2031 President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World," "Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 36 votes 29 votes   To whom it may concern: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please? Jane ---------------------------------- Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command "C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:\I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and snoringLoudly .wav files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip. Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as fixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! Sincerely, Tech Support [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Free! Click here for your chance at free prizes! VOTE: 44 votes 8 votes   Letters received by the welfare department in applications for financial assistance. 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year, and she has been visited regularly by the preacher. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I was living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. 7. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? 8. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. 9. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. 10. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. 11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I'll be forced to lead an immoral life. 12. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? 13. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. 14. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins, in the enclosed envelope. 15. I want money as quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the same doctor for two weeks, and it doesn't do any good. If things don't improve soon, please send another doctor to help him. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 26 votes 12 votes   An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 29 votes 3 votes   The 2000 Federal Census for Texas, Arkansas, Alabama and West Virginia Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:______________________ Lover's Name:___________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: ________________________(If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles that still crank: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ How often do you bathe: (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____ Color of hair: (_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road? [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 9 votes 21 votes   On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me" said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy can riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, and he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh, my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing soul at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     Page: 1