My Categories

Latest added Voted Funniest Voted Worst Most voted on Bar & Drinking Blonde Computer Doctor & Medical Engineer Family & Kids Lawyer Men & Marriage Misc One-liners Political Quotes Redneck Religious Search collection Suggest a Category

29  Jokes VOTE: 154 votes 17 votes   REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Kentucky), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The Ohio physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... Also works in West Virginia. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 97 votes 20 votes   Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" ... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 33 votes 29 votes   YOU MIGHT BE A RED NECK IF: you mow your lawn and find a car you keep a can of raid on your kitchen table your son calls your sister mom your mom tought you how to flip a cigar your child has a two day old kool-aid mustache [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Free! Click here for your chance at free prizes! VOTE: 40 votes 15 votes   Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 33 votes 16 votes   Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!" "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 24 votes 13 votes   The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. "That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks. "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!" "Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts. A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?" The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 34 votes 0 votes   You know you're a redneck when ... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and theydon't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have a rag for a gas cap. You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit withoutng your mouth. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     Page: 1