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26  Jokes VOTE: 68 votes 8 votes   Guy Quotes: "I'M GOING FISHING": Translation: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH, SURE HONEY, OR YES DEAR" Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translation: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND" Translation: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD" Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner" "THAT'S INTERESTING DEAR" Translation: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS" Translation: "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned,.... but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES" Translation: "The girl selling them was a real babe" "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL" Translation: " I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translation: "And I sure hope I can think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT" Translation: " It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translation: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU" Translation: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Translation: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm Starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK" Translation: "I make the messes, she cleans them up." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 18 votes 3 votes   Did you ever wish you could remember Norm's greetings on "Cheers"? WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." SAM: "What's shaking Norm?" NORM: "All four cheeks & a couple of chins." SAM: "What's new Normie?" NORM: "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." SAM: "What'd you like Normie?" NORM: "A reason to live. Give me another beer." SAM: "What'll you have Normie?" NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap." SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm." NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky." SAM: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper." WOODY: "What's the story Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." SAM: "Beer, Norm?" NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable? Good." SAM: "Whatcha up to Norm?" NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "Poor." WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that." NORM: "No, I mean pour." SAM: "How's life treating you Norm?" NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." SAM: "What's going down, Normie?" NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." SAM: "What's the story Norm?" NORM: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." WOODY: "What's going on Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody." WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?" WOODY: "For a beer?" NORM: "No, for stupid questions." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 10 votes 3 votes   Mark Twain Quotes: "What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin." "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than toit and remove all doubt." "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." "Honesty is the best policy-when there is money in it." "I am different from [George] Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't." "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." "I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places." "If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything." "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." "Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand." "October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February." "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." "There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice." "To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble." "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't." "Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it." "We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read." "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." "When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people." "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Free! Click here for your chance at free prizes! VOTE: 8 votes 2 votes   George Carlinisms They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. The statement below is true. The statement above is false. I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. Time is fun when you're having flies... Kermit Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes? Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Gun Control: Use both hands. Remember: First you pillage then you burn. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Strip mining prevents forest fires. I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it. Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up thousand times more memory! If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already? If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat? [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 4 votes 3 votes   I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. -- Thomas Paine [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 4 votes 2 votes   The National Journal's Quote of the Day comes from Republican Oregon Senator Gordon Smith: "My biggest concern for the 107th Congress is that Bill Clinton will be with my wife in the Senate spouses club." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 2 votes 4 votes   Top Ten slogans for Jenny Craig now that they've hired Monica Lewinsky 10. Overweight? Get up off your knees and come see us. 9. Stop looking like fat white trash! Start looking like thin white trash! 8. Who cares about morality when you look good? 7. Our meals aren't hard to swallow. 6. Our choice of spokesperson is as tasteless as our food. 5. You'll look so good that all the married men you know will want to commit adultery. 4. We solemnly swear you'll lose weight...but it depends on your definition of "lose." 3. Monica says, "Mmm mmm," but that's usually all she can say. 2. Desiree Brown wanted too much money, so we had to hire Monica. 1. We got Monica to lose weight, and you all know that she'll eat ANYTHING. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     Page: 1