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November 18th, 2003
Ahh so much catching up to do. It's been about 10 or so days since my last true update, but wait 'til you see what I've got lined up for you guys. The crew has been busy since the last time, with Dietrich's 21st, a few nights of century club over the past weekend, Petey's first hilarious column, Layer's Milk Challengeand much, much more. And also remember the digital camera always came out with us, so all in all after all the math, I've got nearly 50 new pictures for all you guys. Over on the left side in the navigational menu, any link that is in dark blue has been updated, and there are quite a few as you can see. So grab a 12 pack of your drink of choice, as long as its not a miller product, and enjoy some great laughs, starting with who else than the man himself, Petey! Click Here to read the Column!
Man, I don't know about you guys, but I thorougly enjoyed that and I'm really looking forward to the next installment next week. Next up is my man Dietrich's 21st Birthday, which is loaded with pictures and an adequate recap of the night's festivities. All in all, he had 9 or 10 shots, and about 8 beers or so, oh and you can't forget the bloody mary's that he fought with too. Definately a great time, and there are some great kodak moments too that you'll see.
Yes, I've got more for ya. Layer, last Tuesday tried doing something no man has done, ever, in the history of the dairy elite. What did he attempt to do? He tried to finish an entire gallon of milk in under an hour, without puking during that hour as well. Well you're probably thinking, fuck that, I can do that! You're wrong. Layer thought the same thing, and he ended up spraying milk and other unknown quantities out from his mouth and nose for 15 minutes, and he only got 3/4 of the way there! Check out his profile page and see the visual results, there are some sweet ones in there, you won't regret it.
So what other crazy stuff went down? Well over the weekend, Stadl and the rest of the crew come over to start up another episode of the Century Club. What? You don't know what the Century Club is? How the fuck did you even get to this website? It must have been by some freak accident or something then. We ended up going til about 115 or so, and then we headed out to the bars for some more late night fun. I've gone through all the profile pages, adding tons of pictures to each page from all our crazy weekend bashes. Quite a few of the profile pages have new pictures in them, so be sure to stop by and check them out!
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November 7th, 2003
I have now been up for 32 hours straight studying for two monster exams as well as finishing up a project for another class. One large papa johns pizza, 2 cans of coke (no not the powder you smartass, hell i've never even had a cigarette before), 8 20 oz. bottles of mountain dew, and a box and a half of cocoa krispies later, an interesting morning conversation with good ol' petey about his early car salesman days, and a few rounds of tiger woods 04, I'm still alive and kicking. Well, technically. I can't control the involuntary movements of my right leg anymore, either the caffeine or that conversation with peterson has to be the source. So you're probably wondering why Peterson is wearing a tuxedo thong and he's covered in Grade A flower in the picture to the left. Right? No? Well, ok, then amuse me for a freaking minute.
There's actually quite a story behind it, but I honestly can't tell it to you, so you'll have to ask him about it. Now for some big news, I have finally, in my zombie state of mind, setup some sweet forums for the site for everyone to use. Check them out here! Registration is free, and you get access to all the forums already setup at the net's largest growing College site, CollegeDowntime.com. It's all free, and it's not some dinky ass forum with popups all over the fuckin place and cheesy graphics, it's the real deal. And best of all, we finally have a place to rip on Peterson! It can't get any better than that, especially when it doesn't cost anything!
Finally, a few days ago I came across a site which is awesome, from the content, all the way to the design. It's called Ogrish.com, and as a forewarning, it's not for the weak stomached. What this site is is reality, as gruesome as it is, it is just reality. Car wreck victims, suicide victims, murder victims, autopsys, I could go on and on. Now you're probably thinking, you think this site is awesome? You are a sick mother-fucker man! Well actually, I do like it, not because I enjoy looking at this type of stuff, but because it's necessary, because it's real life. Now I like to poke fun and joke around on this site - which is what this site is all about, but on a serious note, every single one of you should take a look at just some of the pictures, articles, etc, for the sake of accepting reality. The media never shows these images, because they want to hide the real truth as to what happened. This exposes the truths for you, the public. Yes, this site is shocking. Yes, you may be disgusted. But what if your girlfriend or boyfriend, or family member is caught in a situation like these, and I hope they never will, but will you be prepared for what you might have to see or do in that situation? Think about that.
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November 1st, 2003
So Scary Movie 3, yeah, it sucks. Don't see it. Petey enjoyed it, although you could give the kid a rubber ball and he'd be entertained for at least a week or two. Tried to go see the new Matrix movie tonight, but my lazy ass got there too late and it was already sold out. Now I'm going to cry and sulk to all you nosy people who are so intrigued with my everyday life. Petey is starting up his own weekly column that will debut as soon as he finishes his first article, and I am dying to read it. He said he's going to write each week on a different reason, why his life sucks, why he's balding, and why Clorox Disinfectant Wipes should NOT be used as toilet paper. No, even when you have nothing else. I have never heard a supposedly straight male scream so loudly, and with such estrogen, in my entire life. Hell, I even grew up with three sisters! I know the entire Raffman community is looking forward to this weekly treat.
You ever wake up in the morning in the middle of the semester and crawl to your first class, and like 5 minutes after you sit down you wonder why everyone's staring at you? Yeah so today I walk into my Spanish 306 class in my usual morning attire and sit in my usual seat. At this point class the professor isn't in yet, so I take out my book to read a little bit. A few minutes later my brain stopped going in reverse and I think at that point I officially woke up. I looked around the room to basically see every person basically staring at me, all wearing looks like, Who the hell is this kid? Then I thought to myself, wait a minute, today's wednesday. On Wednesday's we meet in room 1079. Ooops. So as I'm walking out trying not to make eye contact with anyone for too long, I nearly slam into the professor who teaches the class, only to notch another dirty look to the list this morning. 21 before 10:05 AM has got to be a new record.
Anywho, as for new content on the site, I'm currently going through a few different new site designs I came up with, which is the reason for the lack of updates and content. I've got a ton of sweet photos, movies, and other juicy media that I'll post up in the next few days. If any of you attend a fancy college like myself and have stories, articles, etc, and you'd like to see them up here in front of 1,500 different people a day, then send them in and if I think they are good enough, then I'll post them in the following update. Feel free to include links to pictures, movies, etc that you want included; don't send any file attachments cause I won'tthem. Also feel free to send in any ideas, comments, suggestions for content, etc, about this delicious website.
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October 20th, 2003
Yeah so our internet has been down for a while, I guess that's what happens when we forget to pay the bill. Ahh well, it's back on so shit is back to normal. As of right now I'm remodeling the party pics section with all new photos, so it will be much cleaner and you can check out specific photos from certain parties and/or nights. To give you a preview I've got about 200 new photos that are waiting to be added, and they'll be up shortly.
This weekend most of the crew went home, although a few of us, the hardcore ones, stayed down to celebrate the 2 precious days when we don't have any classes. So how do we celebrate it? Friday night was the planning phase, over at the usual drinking hole at Dietrich's place, with Tony, and Derek (who's crew page will be up oh so shortly). We decide to wake up at the crack of dawn, which in college terms that means 10:00 AM, to take a roadtrip up to the University of Illinois in Champaign. So a couple thirty packs later, we all stumble back to our respective places of sleeping and pass out.
The next thing I know Dietrich is pounding on my door at 10:00 AM to wake my ass up and we get everything ready to go. Before we take off, I pound on Peterson's door and ask him if he wants to come with. Of course the old man is down, but it took the fucker almost four hours to take work off because he's a slave to the waitress world, otherwise known as Garfield's. So 2 PM hits, and myself, dietrich, derek, and petey, hit the road north to champaign. Where's Tony you ask? Oh, well his girlfriend wouldn't let him go so he had to stay at home, which is nothing new. So we roll into Champaign, and the festivities begin. Within 5 minutes, honest to god, Peterson is absolutely beligerant after nearly slamming a fifth of jack daniels. A few games of circle of death and asshole later, and we are all ready to rip. We hit a couple different bars that night, the one I remember best was one called Cams, or Kams, or something gay like that. Aside from the name, the bar actually was pretty cool. We knew a few of the bartenders there so we were getting hooked up all night with free drinks, so we barely spent any money. Peterson really took advantage of the situation, cause he kept getting us triple jack and cokes all night, which didn't help his game with the women. See when Petey gets a little inebriated, he tends to start ripping on himself, or physically injuring himself, in front of the ladies to kind of play the helpless approach or something, like he wants them to feel sorry for him. Well, it didn't work. After seeing him slam his head on the bar table a few times, or hearing one of the many Petersonisms, they were kinda turned off. We ended up crashing at about 4:30 or so, and headed back down to Carbondale around 10 in the morning.
On another note, I got an email from a guy who wouldn't tell me his name, but he wrote an article that I thought was pretty hilarious, and you can read it a few lines down. The user who submitted it is also known as The 3-Inch Rocket.
In honor of the Miller Brewing Company’s recent decision to sell a heady 30-pack for a mere $10.99, this review is dedicated to the High Life. Usually seen only as a 40 in the paper bags of homeless minorities wallowing in their own filth, this canned version of the “Champagne of Beer” should certainly widen its appeal. So, me and my brothers decided to forgo the usual party fare of Stones or Natty, and splurge for about 2,000 cases of this tasty yellow brew. You may be saying to yourself, “Wow, 2,000 cases?” to which I reply, that we aren’t having a party or anything, just playing some asshole, so we didn’t need that much.
Like its ads geared toward middle-aged, alcoholic men would imply, High Life brings out the All-American man in each of us. Imagine sitting down with a 6-pack to watch the game, nothing but an undershirt on, seeing the Radio Flyer wagon sitting in the yard, and unbuckling the belt to whip the shit out of your kids when they get back home. At such a reasonable price, even families of lower incomes and college kids on a budget can afford to drop gallons of this shit and get fucking loaded.
For the most part, this was a tasty treat for the beer connoisseur in me. It has a color similar to the apple juice. The brew has large, aggressive bubbles (think kid drowning in a pool, because there are 15 cinder blocks tied to his ankles,) that form a tight, white head that fizzes away quickly – key to preventing burpage. Combined with its heady drinkability, these factors made for a delicious afternoon of boozing with my brothers. However, it will probably be the only time, because the Stones are still cheaper and if I’ve learned anything from economics, you should always buy whatever will get you flying to Taco Bell and doing eight or seventy chicks from behind the cheapest. PS. Women don't actually like men, they like the fact that we are providing the bread so that they can get stupid bullshit like shirts. If I had it my way, department stores would sell body paint. And, there would be no fat broads. On a PS to the previous PS, My english teacher is a hot bitch.
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October 5th, 2003
I've gotton a lot of IM's lately and emails about the power hour music, and that its not available on Kazaa to download. To set it straight, it is possible to find it on Kazaa. Try typing in Power Hour Mix into the search field and you'll find 2 different power hour mixes, both 60+ megs each, available to download. I'd love to put it up here on the site to download, but quite frankly, I'm a college kid just like you fuckers and I have to pay a server bill every month and its just a little too much bandwidth for one file. You can find it on Kazaa, it is possible. Hope everyone has checked out the new crew pages, as well as the new Petersonisms section. The Beer Thirty section will be up shortly, as well as new content to all the other sections as well. Hope everyone had a good weekend.
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October 3rd, 2003
Ahh back again, and I have got some delicious shit for ya'll today. First off, meet Liebs and Scotty B, the newest additions to the Raffman crew. I've known these two fuckers for many a years, and right now they're up at good ol' Northern Illinois, where they actually have a nationally ranked football team this year. They join the likes of Dustin and good ol' Steinwhe up in Dekalb. Come to think of it, this crew pretty much owns and covers this entire fuckin state, with branches all over the fuckin midwest and even the northeast, such as Peters over in Ohio, and Presto up in New York City. I also added an entire new section devoted completely to Petersonisms, straight from the man himself. Right now I've got about 12-15 listed, but if you got one please send it to me so I can add it to the list, because its very, very important that the list be completed and up to date. As new petersonisms come along they will be added right away, and for those of you who haven't had the luxury of meeting this fine young man, new ones are flying out of his nicotine charred mouth every other day. My man Tony sent me an email today with a sweet article that he threw in there, which I want to share wit you all 'cause its pretty sweet. Hell, why would I put something that wasn't sweet on here?
Submitted by Tony:
Raff, read this and tell me it is not hilarious...
So after a very long summer touring beaches and fucking chicks with my 3-incher, I’m back at my $12,000 a year camp so that I can attend my fraternity. Anyway, I decided this year to keep a journal. I also, once again, have registered for only the 420 classes in each department, bahhh.
Ok, so after I had my shit hauled to my room by these homeless guys I bought 40’s for, and then had my maid Isabella set up my stuff, I went to my brothers and was totally like “Yo, you wanna start partying bra’?” and they were totally like “I’m already there man” – and they was. They was fully, full-on quadruple fisting three 40’s and a chick at the same time. No joke. So then to get the morning started I funneled probably like 2 or 3….maybe 4 beers in the first minute – had a good beer buzz going for sure. Then this penis smoker brought in this microbrew that looked ultra gay, so I punched him over to Beta Theta Pi, the shittiest, most urine-funneling, race-tolerant frat on campus. I would rather be exposed to radiation than the brothers there. And then I took a heady hit of his brew.
Later that morning we started hitting Smirnoff Smack (250 proof) – it’s where you have to inject hits of alcohol intravenously. We are also planning to sneak into the chemistry labs tonight and experiment with the crystallization of alcohol, it’s gonna be so rad. Hopefully not fatal. But back to the present here for a sec, at this point, between me and my brothers, we had consumed probably I’m guessing, and this is just ball park here, 4 million gallons of beer, all the while stacking the cans in front of these transfers' room. We were fine, but all these freshman who haven’t evolved to drinking alcohol yet because they suck, were puking on me and shit… but I started drinking it because this transfer down the hall, who couldn’t get into his room due to the blockade of cans, told me you can get high off that shit. And I so did.
I quickly drifted back into the world of the latent, unspoken homosexuality my brothers and I share – untapped, like a brimming keg of beer, ready to explode out the pump like a load of semen in dude’s bunghole. Hope I didn’t get too philosophical there. So then after flying over to pick up a broad, I came back and started coming down from the vomit trip. Colors were jizzing all over in the insides of my eyeballs. I was awake, I think. I’m awesome. – a journal by Weak Happy
Look for Strauss' crew page to be up shortly, as well as the much anticipaged Beer Thirty section too! For now, keep your appetite wet with these sweet links! Cheers, and remember, pimps up - hoes down!
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October 2nd, 2003
Wow. It's been a while since the last true  update, and I apologize. Quite a bit of shit has happened the last couple weeks since my last update, and I have been so freakin busy it's been hard to find time. But I think I'm finally back in the mold now. Where do I begin? I'm in the process of adding an entire new section devoted to something that we created down here, entitled, Beer Thirty. To quench all your curious minds, Beer Thirty was created one early saturday morning, at 10:30 AM, when Strauss, who you all will meet shortly, pounds on my door and yells, Hey Raff! Wake your ass up, it's Beer Thirty! And that was that. Imy door to see him standin there with a dirty thirty of Keystone Light, Carbondale's Drink of Choice, and we head out to the porch. We pull some couches and chairs out there, throw the beer in a cooler, and start the party. One rule of beer thirty is that if you come over, you either have to bring a 12 pack of beer or a couple bags of ice, that way the supply always stays at a decent level, therefore more consistant drinking. So we started drinking at 10:30 in the morning, other guys stopped by and drank some more, and also we had our share of Carbondale Townies stop by too. Don't worry, I had my digital camera so I'll post all the mullets, jamaican ladies who work with retards, and meatheads, in this up and coming section. Beer Thirty started at 10:30 AM and ended at 10:30 PM, since we ended up goin out to the bars. This past weekend, Hoadley and Derek came down for the weekend from ISU to party. After hittin up Sidetrack's and hanging out at the Friday Afternoon Club for 6 or 7 brewskis, we headed back to the house for some more. Let's just say we ended up blacking out around 4 AM, only to wake up at fuckin 7:30AM for what else then, Beer Thirty! Saturday the weather was gorgeous, and we drank all fuckin day from 7:30AM til 4:00AM the next day! That weekend I think persuaded Hoadley and Derek to transfer schools, cause they had a blast. There are countless other things that have happened the last couple of weeks, but some are a blur and some I just can't remember. So what's coming up? Look for the Beer Thirty section to be finalized and running very soon, also look forward to meeting a few more local drunks in Liebs, Scotty B, and Strauss. These guys have been around since the beginning and they've got some sweet stories. Profiles will be up ASAP for all three. On a sidenote, I updated the Drinking Games section today with a couple more games that are pretty sweet; I highly recommend them. Thanks Dominic for sending them in!
Planning a Spring Break trip for 2004? Well I am, and I'm goin for free! How the hell am I doing it? Well I own my own private island off the coast of Jamaica that I purchased off Ebay, so I'm having my own personal break there for anyone that wants to come. Let me know soon though because my private jet only holds 25 people. Actually though, I am going for free, as are all my friends! How did we pull this shit off? We became campus reps for CollegeDowntime.com! We just got 15 of our friends to book trips and we got to go for free! All the VIP passes we can handle too! Talk about a badass deal! Check out the links below for more information on how you can join us as we party with CollegeDowntime.com and MAXIM Magazine this Spring Break!
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September 11th, 2003
Yeah so I'm walking to class, and I pick up a copy of the Daily Egyptian, which is our University's newspaper, and find that today is the day of the week where you get a copy of Sports Illustrated Campus Weekly with it. So I sit down before class starts and see that the cover story is The Top 20 College Sports Towns, as well as the worst of them. So Madison is #1, with the other powerhouses right behind them. Then I see the section of the page which talks about the Worst College Sports Town in the nation, and I honestly shat myself when I saw what it was. Carbondale, IL, Southern Illinois University. What the hell? OK, so I can admit we aren't in the upper echeleon of the collegeate sports world, or the academic world due to the fact that I think I just spelled collegiate wrong twice. But the worst college town in America? Come on, now I can see lower half, but freaking last place? I can think of 30 other schools that are far, far worse than Carbondale, at least. What's even worse is that the anonymous deuchebag who wrote the article based his argument on the fact that nobody attends our football games, which is true. There are usually a couple thousand tailgaters out there for every home game, and by that I mean 3 hours before the game starts all the way until 2 hours after the game is over. But hey, that's Southern Illinois. We are, always have been, and will always be primarily a basketball school. We have some of the craziest fans out there during basketball season, and it's been proven on ESPN many, many a times. Can you say 28 game home winning streak? Yes we've had some great teams the last 2 years to accomplish that, but the fans have helped that record stand to the height its at right now. Only Duke, and one other school have a longer active streak than us. We could never get big name teams to play us because no coach in their right mind would play at our arena, they know it's impossible to win there. What makes that possible? The crazy student body. Fuck sports illustrated, because there is no way we should be rated as the worst college sports town in America. Obviously the deuchebag has never been to Eastern Illinois, or the 50 other schools that should be below us. Anywho, I've added some new personal pictures to the crew pages, as well as added a new crew member.
Ladies, meet John. What can we say about Steinwhe? Well, he really enjoys reading, and teaching sailing to young aspiring wisconsin children. Actually, this kid is fuckin hilarious, and sorry ladies, but he's taken by this girl. This kid has been with us since the beginning. The first time he met Schuette, they didn't get along, so what does steinwhe do? Well he does what any other seriously ill high school student would do by pissing in Schuette's locker. I think his greatest achievement so far was back during one of our infamous Day Parties, he managed to get a shot of Bacardi 151 half way down his throat before gagging and spitting it all back up. He was a 151 virgin at the time, and man was it fuckin hysterical. Everyone was there to make fun of him. Please, feel free, to Email Steinwhe and ask him why exactly when he is confused, he throws his hands on his side like the middle aged child on Full House. Make the subject of the email say, Well pin a rose, on your nose! Here's to steinwhe, because there's the right way, there's the wrong way, and there's the Steinway! Peace out homeslice, and see ya next time.
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September 2nd, 2003
Three day weekends are delicious. Three day weekends in Carbondale are even better. This weekend was a wild one to say the least, considering each night we partied 'til sunrise, then slept til about noon or so, then went back at it. Friday in one of my classes I was talkin to this uber hot girl in my spanish class, and she tells me about her website. Her name is Kelly, and you can see her pic just a few inches from these words in this update. This chick is an exact replicate of Britney Spears, and is just a taste of what you'll find down here at Southern Illinois. Well actually that's a little exaggerated but who gives a fuck, I get to write this. So I'm thinkin this is like some personal site of hers, so I head home after class, crackan ice-cold budweiser haray carey style, and type in the URL. My jaw fuckin drops. This chick has her own fuckin porn site! You guys have to check it out to believe it, this chick is unreal. If you ever thought of buying porn online, this is the only site you will ever need. Honestly. Don't believe me? Check out some of her free galleries below and then we'll see who's lying. On another note, I'll be addin all my new digital pics up soon, probably tomorrow night so you guys can get in on the action. Also some new crew pages are on the way. Also check out the menu on the left, I revamped the ladies section with some new ones. You'll like 'em. If you don't, you shouldn't be at this site. You won't find any rainbows here. See all of you degenerates tomorrow.
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mardi gras tits
lameking.net - drunken debauchery live from kent st
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August 28th, 2003
Ya so I've been fuckin busy as fuck since I last
updated, as I'm sure you all have known or guessed for that matter. Well let's just take a gander back in time and check out the timeline I've been ridin on for the last two and a half weeks. After the last update I had to pack my shit up for school, then days later I arrived back to my other home, Beautiful Carbondale, IL, only to begin an epic journey full of hardcore partying, sin, and my personal favorite, debauchery. Oh, and class started on the 18th too. I haven't been completely out of the loop however, I do have a sweet new design in the works that will be up on raffman hopefully by next week sometime. On a different note, dwarves across America have seen to take notice of this site's section devoted to the little guys themselves, midgets. They seem to be taking offense, and I have received numerous emails saying how it's wrong that we hate them for being small. For all you mini-me's out there reading this, we don't hate you. We fucking love you! Midgets rock the proverbial house in my book. I have some sweet new ladies for you today, and of course some hilarious shit that is definately worth checking out. Cheers, and get ready for some sweet digital camera action this week, I've got over 200 new pictures since I've been down at school that will be unveiled with the new design! Peace jigga!
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August 12th, 2003
What a weekend! For those of you who are unaware, Dustin had his 21'st Birthday Bash on Saturday, and to say it was wild is a complete understatement. The entire Raffman Crew was there, even people you haven't met yet but soon will. We spent nearly $350 bucks on alcohol, and we finished it all. I had my digital camera w/ me the entire night, and I got over 90 hi-rez pictures for you guys of wild women, body shots, everyone hittin the 2-story beer bong, and so much more. Check out the Madness! Sunday was basically a recovery day for all of us, which is why there hasn't been any updates to the site. I am really fuckin busy today getting shit done before I head back to school in a week or so, so this update is kinda short. Well short for you, not for me cause it took me a long time gettin the new section ready with all the pictures/thumbs. Hope you enjoy the gallery, cause the party was fuckin crazy! Peace!
August 7th, 2003
Saturday is nearly here, and I can nearly smell the cuervo calling my name. Today I have another delicious update, I've added more than 10 new ladies, and you can find them all on the left, as well as just below this paragraph in Today's Links. I also finally got my lazy ass around to revamping the Funny Pics section, and I added some ones that are fuckin hysterical. If you've ever wondered if a man could blow snow out of his ass, or what the real reason why Hindu women have a little red dot on their forehead, well, I still can't tell you. I can't promise you everything you know. I think ten fine ladies and kids barfing on each other is a pretty fucking good start though. Oh yeah, I also have movies of these lovely ladies as well, just for you. Stop by for more bodacious content tomorrow!
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heather gallery 1
heather's movies HOT
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april gallery 1
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ava gallery 1
rosa gallery 1
isabel gallery 1
veronica gallery 1
candy and leslie movies HOT
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ashley's movies HOT
August 6th, 2003
Dustin, my man, Happy 21st! The entire fucking crew is salivating for Saturday to come as Im sure you know. What's this Saturday? We roll in the kegs and tequila at noon and go for 36 hours. The digital camera will be in hand, and I'm getting before and after pictures for the entire crew, as well as tons of high-rez pics from the entire bash. Lots of hot girls will be in attendance of course, just for you guys. Well not really, but hey, you get to see them all in jpeg form, which is still cool. Right? So what's new you ask. Well, a new member, that's fuckin what. Schuette is his name, and he's been here since the beginnin. Summer before junior year in high school, he calls Presto and I up and tells us to come to his house for the night to hang out. He introduced us to his new friend Ron Bacardi, which he just met as well. It was a sweet time, and it was all our first time getting crunked so that made it that much sweeter. He met us down in Panama City for Spring Break, and nearly died from some sort of poisoning, which I wish I took a picture of. This mother-fucker wandered the beach for 3 hours trying to find our fucking hotel one day. You know how I know this? I was standing on the hotel deck boozing with Birthday Boy, and we would just watch him stumble down the beach in a drunken haze not even realizing he walked past our hotel 3 times. You'll be seein this guy everywhere. On the site that is, more specifically in all the sweet pictures. My pet midget wants to outside so I gotta run, but I'll see everyone tomorrow. Keep it real.
Today's Links:
college webmasters - want a fuckton of free traffic?
jordan capri new gallery
lightspeed sorority random gallery
lameking - new update
college hot or not
ebaum's world
mandy michelle's personal site (caution extremely hot chick!)
rate hundreds of mullets
rate boobs
August 5th, 2003
Another long ass day, another late update. Just doing a quick update for you guys tonight, some new Drinking Games and Playerism's were submitted today from a buddy of mine named Schuette, who you've all seen in the Spring Break section, most noticeable with the cigar. I'll have his crew page set up tomorrow morning so you guys can get to know him and send him random emails and IM's. Today was my last day of work at the golf club so I'll be doin this full time for the rest of the summer and into the school year. Be sure to Email Dustin and wish him a drunken 21st birthday tomorrow on the 6th, he loves that kind of shit. This saturday is his bash, so expect lots of high quality party pic'age as soon as I'm sober enough to put them up here. I am tired as fuck so I'm gonna go pass out and think happy thoughts. I'll see you bright and late tomorrow for one helluva update.
Today's Links:
absolutely disturbing, you've been warned
britney spears topless
panties are way overrated
vip parties
not the evita you're thinking about
August 4th, 2003
What's new today? This morning I've added all our 2003 Mardi Gras pictures, and you will not be disappointed. All these pictures were taken with a digital camera this time, so they are much higher quality. What's that mean for you? Clearer boobs, sharper mullets, and hi-rez midget porn stars! In total now this site provides you with over 200 quality mardi gras pictures, without the bullshit. I'm in the works of setting up an affiliate program for all of you that want to link trade with this delicious website, it will be up shortly so sit tight. In the meantime just icq me or email me and we'll talk. Party pics are on the way tomorrow, and man I've compiled some sweet ones. If you are ever curious as to how Tony might look with lipstick on, I would definately stop by tomorrow. Also, be sure to email Dustin and tell him happy fuckin 21st birthday! Be sure to have the subject say, Bleh!, then you'll probably get a response. Last night Stuntman, Hoadley, and myself went and saw American Wedding. It was fuckin hysterical; easily the best AP movie yet. If you haven't seen it yet, you are fucking missing out. Be sure to check out all the new shit and I'll see you here tomorrow. I'll bring the money, you bring the shit.
Today's Links:
jordan capri - sweet petite
real girls tv
dorm room cams
flash drinking games
rate mullets
mtv girls of spring break
celebrity soundboards
bluefantasies models
August 2nd, 2003
Yeah so last night we hitup the county fair for a while, and if Best Buy would have had the right digital camera yesterday I would be able to share with you the plethora of femullets, carneys, and just overall white trash that was ever so present everywhere we went. I did however pick up my new camera tonight though, so get ready for some new and improved updates and on the spot party pictures from the crew. So last night after the exhilerating county fair we head over to the usual drinking hole, Dustin's house, and start pounding heavily. Our good friends Anheuser Busch and Jose Cuervo were in attendance as usual, and man are they still a blast to hang out with. After a few games of pool, Layer and I decide to play our own game of Flip Cup, since nobody else would man the fuck up. We carry out the long table, and end up playin one on one with 5 cups of beer apiece. Now that is hardcore, don't let your mother tell you otherwise. We played some circle of death after that, and then the party really took off. Since it's dustin's 21st bday this coming weekend, I may just devote an entire gallery here for it, since its going to be gi-normous. Within the coming days get ready for a little different look to raffman dot com. I think it will be for the better. Look forward to an entirely new section tomorrow night, as well as much more content!
Today's Links:
Who doesn't like basketball?
Every male's dream
Submit your own sex moves!
the humor database
cdt funny pictures
roadtrip stories - submit your own!
August 1st, 2003
Sleep well last night? I sure did, and I was diaper retard free. Well, August has arrived, and august means heading back to school, which most of us are ready for I'm sure. Back to school also means getting ready for Spring Break, which will come sooner than you think. Speaking of Spring Break, I'm sure you've all taken a look at my pics from Panama City, and noticed a few people who are members of the crew but haven't been added. Well, I'd like to introduce you to Dustin, a kid who has never said no to a two story beer bong or triple jack and coke. Be sure to remember to email his blacked out ass on August 7th, which is the day after he turns 21, although we'll still all probably be fucking partying at that time so I'd say wait a couple days more. We plan on at least gettin 3 barrels of budweiser, not to mention all the jose cuervo too. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, today I'm pickin my ass up a new digital camera, so for you guys that means more mullets, more party pictures, and more hilarious shit from Player. Keep it real, and remember to slam your beer 'cause there are sober children in India right now!
Today's Links:
LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olson Triplet
More Free Jordan Capri (that rhymes!)
Tony's Personal Website
running of the cows
Aly's VIP Limo Party
Tawnee Stone Gallery 1
Rate Tits
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
College Downtime
July 31st, 2003
I have a great show, er update, for you tonight. Bordering on Retarded is back, and it will give you an entire new outlook on ducks, yes deuche I said ducks. If you cannot wait any further to read it, just scroll down a bit and enjoy. If you are a regular visitor to this POS, you have probably seen the retard in the upper right corner of the page where it says, Pic of the Day. You have probably seen it every friggen day for the past 3 months. Well, way back when I signed up for this sweet pic of the day service, only to forget my login info so I'm fucked in that department. Now you will forever be haunted by the retard in diapers. To solve this, I added a new picture of the day link in the upper left section of the site, which is functioning fine. I'm still scanning all my mardi gras pictures from this past year, I promise I'll have them up by this weekend. I also have some more party pictures of the crew to throw up as well. Also every update I'll feature a list of cool links, ranging from hilarious movies, to free galleries of gorgeous women more than likely gettin nekkid, and tons more delicious stuff. In fact, I'll start right now. By the way, to see more of the two lovely girls to your left, just click here. See you tomorrow, and say hi to the diaper retard for me while you dream tonight.
Today's Links:
tiny bathing suits rock
jordan capri free gallery 1
mr. belvidere spoof
threes company spoof
jordan capri free gallery 2
erica free gallery
midgets driving monster trucks movie
Bordering on Retarded
7/30/2003 Rob Hoadley, raffman.com
Ducks. What is the deal with ducks? The only thing their good for is shitting all over the place. They shit on the ground, they shit in the god damned air, and they also shit in aquatic settings, take water for example, more specifically, pools of water. So much so, that in the past few weeks my job title has changed from Lifeguard to Duck Excrement Removal Technician. Cleaning up duck shit and duck piss has become a daily ritual. Every day I unlock the squeaky metal gate that protects my pool from the fearsome Mexican banditos that live in the slum condo next door. And everyday a puddle of duck piss and duck shit greets me on the deck as I stroll in. It actually waves at me and says Hello. That's just the deck; clumps of duck shit usually lay on the floor of the pool too. They don't talk to me or anything cause they drownded. I feel compelled as a fellow human being scoop the duck turds out, shock the pool with granulated chlorine, and spray off the deck. The funny thing is, some days I just mash the little fucking duck turds in the pool. I know, it's sadistic but it's funny to think that people are swimming in mashed up duck turds. They think they know, but they have no idea. I've seen the duck only once. Towards the end of a shift he made a splashtastic landing in the pool. I started waiving my arms up and down and yelled Git out you son-a-bitch! He quacked and then this big green cloud just emanated from his ass, and then he flew away. I felt like somebody had hit me with a Mack truck. It was like he was mocking me. Since then he only comes at night when I'm not there. How do I kill this thing? I seriously want it dead. If I ever do catch it, I'm gonna mount that fucker. Not sexually, but like stuff it and put it on my wall. By the way, this was a true story, I'm not shitting you. Get it, shitting you. Its funny cause it's got the word shit in it. And this whole article was about shit.
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
College Downtime
July 27th, 2003
So we're partying over at D-Money's last night, when Layer starts spitting out more Playerisms one after another. It's time to beef this section up, which is exactly what I have done for you today. The whole crew was partyin it up last night; Brodie was beebombed as usual off about 12 Guinesses, Tony didn't drink at all for some reason, Hoadley drank himself stupid within a matter of minutes, Presto was makin drinks all night, and Layer was saying hilarious, off the wall shit all night long. After Stuntman's mud wrestling escapade, I have compiled quite a sweet collection of hot women having fun in the mud, specifically for a new section right here on this website. Look for that very soon. New galleries will arrive Monday, and tomorrow get ready for tons of new party, funny, and five more pagse of mardi gras pictures!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
College Downtime
July 24th, 2003
Finally they found and killed the mother fuckers! Yesterday, as I'm sure all of you have already known, US forces laid waste to Saddam's two sons, Uday and Qussay Hussein. I may have spelled their names wrong, but I really don't fuckin give two shits so whatever. After reading an article in Maxim about a year ago on them, and how they were tought by Saddam to torture animals and rape women at will, I garned quite a bit of hatred for them, and it put a huge fucking smile on my face hearing that they are finally fuckin emancipated. We're comin for your ass next Saddam. I added a new gallery today, this one being the delicious Jordan Capri. How delicous is she? Well see for yourself! Also I'm starting a new contest that is exclusive to Raffman Dot Com. If you can count the correct amount of times I have the word delicious printed on this site, you'll win a signed photograph of who else, than myself. Here's a hint, it's more than likely on every page, and you will be one lucky person to get my herbie hancock 'cause it's going to be worth millions soon. You know why? Neither do I, but it's my gut feeling. In the words of Stuntman, see you piles of shit tomorrow.
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
College Downtime
July 23rd, 2003
Yes I am still alive, thanks for all the get well letters and care baskets. I still have been updating and adding content, so don't fret. As most of you know, I am from the wonderful city of Chicago, and am a die-hard White Sox fan. Today was one of the best days for every White Sox fan being that the Sox won, and the Flubs(that would be the other Chicago team) lost. Not only that, the Sox also sport a better record than the Flubs do. It really doesn't get better than that. What else is new? Stuntman hit up Country Thunder this past weekend, and man what a wild time that was. Country Thunder is just across the border in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin, and it's pretty much just a huge, white trash filled, multi-headed concert featuring Willy Nelson and many other big Country stars. I personally cannot fucking stand country, and neither does Stuntman, but we both enjoy boozing, and that is the thing to do there. Every day Stuntman woke up still drunk from the night before, and started pounding right away. Saturday night, after pounding a bottle of Aftershock and a couple hundred beer bongs, mud wrestling was calling his name. Other than himself, there were 2 dudes, and 13 women covered in mud and rags for clothes. There was lots of rubbing and heavy petting. See how much fun we have up here? The galleries on the left were rotated Monday as a note, as I encourage you all to take a look at the new pics. Look for more content coming fast. And who knows, maybe just maybe, I'll finally get my ass around to updating the lagging funny pics section. Just maybe. Ciao.
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
July 12th, 2003
Did I say Monday? Ok, so I'm a little early, but I'd like to welcome a few new girls to the Gorgeous Women Gallery that you'll find just to your left. The first girl is Taylor, and goddamn is she hot! If you don't click on that link I'm going to beat your door down and, well actually, just beat your door down and probably drive away. Where were we? Ahh yes staring at beautiful half-naked sorority girls. Tawnee is our next girl that we present to you, and all I have to say is, good lord. You'll find two, yes two, not one but two, galleries of this gorgeous Texas college student awaiting you on the left side of this page, and they are both worth clicking on. Why? Well one, because she's really f'in hot, and two, because I wouldn't put it up if she wasn't. I also just signed a new affiliate to the site, Real Girls TV, which is dedicated completely to all you fuckers since you all came here for sweet spring break and mardi gras pics, and man does this site have 'em. Is it a paysite? Yes, it is, but it's cheap and it's got more women flashing the camera and dousing their chests with ice cold water than you have ever seen before in one place. Fuck, just go there and check out their free galleries at the least, you won't be disappointed. I hope I spelled that right, ahh fuck it. Also a sidenote, this site is updated daily. Even if there isn't anything new under this section, I am constantly making changes, adding pics, etc, so be sure to check back in. Keep it real homies.
I nearly forgot! From the drunks who have brought you College Drunk Fest and Raffman Dot Com, comes a college portal that is about as big a site as fuckin Yahoo. What's it called? College Down Time. This site is the ultimate fucking college boredom site, and we are not just saying that to get clicks. The entire site is user driven, which means the users build the site. You can rate midgets, rate mullets, rate tits, check out the bartenders guide, submit drinks, submit drunk stories, check out and submit your own roadtrip stories, check out and submit your own sweet party ideas, sex moves, hilarious quotes and jokes, funny pictures, homemade movies, all the free porn you can handle, free term papers (seriously!), and so much more. Also at CDT you will find weekly music and movie reviews, as well as columns from Lameking.net, as well as Bordering on Retarded which is showcased here. Check out the forums and see what other college students are up to, or just browse the enormous amount of content available. No other site comes fucking close. None.
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
July 7th, 2003
What's goin on? I hope everyone is enjoyin the new Mardi Gras section, just looking at the server stats I can tell it's pretty popular already! If you haven't checked it out yet, I strongly recommend it as there are 3 pages chock full of sweet chicks flashin our cameras, white trash mullets, and of course, Larry Flynt's Hustler club. If you haven't noticed already, I have added a whole new submenu on the left side, a whole section devoted entirely to women, for your viewing pleasure. I'm gonna rotate the content every monday, so you'll know when to expect some new material. They are all fucking worth checking out, and yes there is some nudity, so if you aren't the legal age to view it, or if you fucking live in North Korea where you'll get your thumbs cut off for looking at half naked women, well, I'm not responsible. Say hi to Kim Yong II for me. On another note, a message board will be up sometime this week, after I figure out this server problem, so then we can all rip on Peterson for his preference in larger women. Also check out the new FAQ section, where I answer all the common questions I get from the retards like, Where's Southern Illinois University at? Ok, not that stupid, but pretty fucking close. What else is coming this week? Hoadley's weekly column, Bordering on Retarded, will be out by Thursday, as well as many other juicy items that I'm keeping secret for now. Until then, check out the lovely ladies on the left and slam your beer because there are sober children in India right now!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
July 2nd, 2003
Ahh, back home again. Mexico was awesome, and man that country sure makes some mean margaritas. I threw a few more useful files in the files section, and also am pleased to announce that the Mardi Gras section is finally up and running, chock full with over 3 pages of sweet pictures! You'll find the entire Raffman Crew partying down on Bourbon Street with Budweiser, white trash mullets, dirty hippies with body paint, Girls Gone Wild, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, and midgets in diapers! For any of you who have had the pleasure of everything that Mardi Gras is, I highly recommend that you go, you will not be disapointed. Next update will feature Hoadley's new column for this week. On another note, if you are in for some more sweet college humor, head on over to Lameking and check out the party scene at Kent State University with Spooner. You'll like it. Trust me. Until next time.
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World Lameking
June 18th, 2003
Huge huge news! I just added a new section the ever expanding list, a section completely devoted to Playerism's! For those of you who know me or Layer personally, you know exactly what is inside there, but for the rest of you, you are in for a delicious treat! The section is devoted to every crazy and off the wall thing this kid has said over the years, sober and completely wasted! For those of you who know Layer personally though, Raffman needs your help in adding more, so send 'em here! I'm currently about one-third or so through scanning all my Mardi Gras pictures from last year, although this year's rolls were all digital and they'll be up ever so shortly! Also if you see Dustin kick his ass and give me his roll of film from Panama so I can scan those bad boys; it's quite the popular section let me tell you. The next couple days I'm gonna finish off the other sections with a ton more content, more noticeably the Funny Pics, Mardi Gras, and Sweet Cars sections, as well as adding some more drunken pics to all the crew pages. Ever see a cow hump a Ford Explorer? Check it out here!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
June 18th, 2003
Another beautiful summer night, and another outstanding night of drinking out on Stuntman's back deck. Hoadley was of course in attendance, as well as someone who I briefly introduced to you in our last update, Derek. For a brief drunken backround on this kid, he's the kid at the party who is the first one to grab the Sharpie permenant marker and start drawin all over the passed out people, now in the past the victim was usually Stuntman, but the kid can pound so much now it's extremely rare. Now Hoadley is the pass-out queen, and boy is it fun to draw on him. No actually I'm kidding, he's not that bad, but he does do it on occasion. Going back to my man Derek, well he loves Midgets with a passion. In fact, when we took a roadtrip up to Toronto last winter break, we hit a Midget Stripclub just for him. Now I had some big doubts going in, but man, those little midget strippers really know how to work it, and after that we ALL jumped on the midget bandwagon. It was tough too, cause it's really fucking small. Yeah bad joke, I know. It's fucking late, and I'm sober, so I don't got much in me. On a different note, check back in soon for more updates, as well as for Hoadley's next column!
Oh and I forgot, this Saturday Raffman leaves for Riviera Maya en Mexico for the week on an all-inclusive package with the fam, and there will be lots and lots of tequila drinking, picture taking, girls, and tequila drinking! Also the mardi gras pics will be up by friday night, that I promise. Peace out and remember to slam your beer cause there are sober children in India right now!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
June 13th, 2003
Still hungover? There really is nothing quite like a great beer bong in the morning, I highly recommend it to all of you. Got some great news, Stuntman finally got our spring break pictures developed, and you can find them in Spring Break section! I put the entire roll up there, and man it really brings back some great memories lookin back at them. The second roll is getting developed this week so those should be up somewhat soon after I get my greasy little paws on them to scan 'em all. So hang tight, kick back, turn on some porn, and have a few brewskis. And when I say a few I mean like a case. Not a 12 pack, a 30 pack. In the next couple days the files section will be restocked, well stocked for that matter, with some really cool files I found from here, also going to finish up the Crew Rides section, as well as the hundreds of mardi gras pics that are just begging to be scanned! So slam your beer, because there are sober children in India right now!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
June 12th, 2003
What's happening? Just a quick update for today, added another file to the files section, and also we have a new article for you today, quite possibly the best one that Hoadley has pumped out so far. Just a reminder today is Thursday, so hopefully everyone is poundin tonight, I know we sure will. See you tomorrow!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
Bordering on Retarded
6/11/2003 Rob Hoadley, raffman.com
First of all Riff is full of shit. That pic of me on raffman.com was taken on New Years Eve. I was a community college lightweight among hardcore four-year school alcoholics and IV drug users. The reason I grabbed the bat was so that nobody would write shit on my face and put glitter in my hair like they do to Captain Pass Out, aka Stuntman, aka Bobby's World, aka Stuntman. I must admit that I have no right to talk when it comes to pounding. I suck ass.
I promised in a previous article that I would tell ya'll (white trash) about the time I got chased by the cops. But before we embark on this adventure we have to step into my time machine and go back to July of 2001, or not. We had just graduated from high school. We thought we were the shit. We were wrong. I got a boner every time someone said the word beer. I was the kid that was always paranoid and thought the cops would come and bust me and put me in jail for drinking beer. I sucked. Presto's parents flew the coup for a weekend so he had a social gathering at his home. Basically it was just a few of us playing Legos and sipping on some Hi-C. In other words, getting piss drunk. The image of (name withheld for fear that his family will disown him) in the bathtub shaking, seizing, and muttering incoherent thought after incoherent thought was burned into my memory. It still haunts me to this day. Pussy. After a couple hours of boozing a few of us decided to go scruffing. What is scruffing you ask? Scruffing is when you tie fishing line a round a skank ass teddy bear named Scruffy. You throw him across a road and pull him towards you in front of on coming traffic, as you lie hidden in weeds and brush watching the reactions of drivers, thus the name Scruffing.
I was so drunk that the others have told me that I was having a conversation with myself while we were walking over to the prime scruffing location, just on the other side of a hill. We arrived at the spot and patiently waited for cars to pass. We got one car, and nothing really happened, then we got another car, and a friend we'll call Tom pulls Scruffy across the road, and the car stops. It just stops and waits. Tom figures fuck it, pull Scruffy all the way in, so it at least looks semi-real. So we sit and wait, and then this voice calls out from the car, Real funny boys! Little did this cunt ass bitch know that there was a girl with us. So the joke's on her right from the start. But then she pulls out her trump card and fuckin calls the cops on us. I know this because not 15 minutes later, as our scruffing continued Tom pulls Scruffy across for a car, and as it slows down I become giddy at the thought that we pranked another driver. Then suddenly, the spotlight of a cop car was sighted on the grassy area we were all hiding in.
The following is how our friend Tom described the chase that followed: Right now, I'm thinking aww shit, so I start wheelin Scruffy in to try and salvage our 6 dollar Kmart investment, but then figured fuck it when I heard the Whoop whooooop of the police siren. So the dash to my house begins. We all start running like Mexicans at the border, right into the thickest wall of weeds you ever seen. We all got separated, but I met up with Joe and Ann who were just chillin in a spot, waitin to see what develops. As we listen to the crackle of twigs snapping, we ponder in silence the fate of Rob I'm drunk Hoadley and Tony Bling blingin Coconate.
As Tom and the others sat hidden in the woods, Tony and I were fuckin shitting ourselves. I was anyway. We had lost each other in the 4-foot weeds. I was alone. I lay motionless on the ground, I wasn't even breathing. The cop walked over me 3 or 4 times in that shit. As soon as I heard him drive off I bolted for the road. I could see headlights about to come over the top of the hill, that fucker had turned around, so I sprinted across the road into the darkness of Tony's subdivision. I successfully doubled back on that bitch. Classic maneuver. I staggered and fell as I speedily made my way back to Tony's. I sat behind his garage for a solid 30 minutes. I was beginning to think everybody got busted, but then Tony strolled up his driveway. I scared the living shit out of him when I popped out of his garage. He thought I got busted. Stupid fuck, nobody busts me. We soon hooked up with Tom and the others at his backyard pool, and ultimately went back to Presto's to booze some more. By hooked up I meant we met each other, no gayness was involved. Is there a moral to this story you ask? There are many. First, women are bitches. Second, running from the cops sobers you up quick. Third, and most important remember to double back, it could just save your life one day.
June 10th, 2003
So last night Stuntman gives me a ring and says let's booze, ASAP! So of course I'm down, and I head on over immediately. As I arrive, the infamous Hoadley is already there pounding away, and so is derek, who you all will get to meet very soon. So we're chillin out on the back patio, and then I say, We need to get fucking hammered! So Stuntman goes inside and grabs a deck of cards and we start off with some Circle of Death. Hoadley is absolutely getting obliterated, and I don't know how he didn't fucking lose the first game because he nearly kept knockin the pile over. Stuntman ends up losing, and then we play again. By this point everyone is nice and ripped, so it makes for an interesting round two. Hoadley ends up losing the game as we're about half-way through the deck, this time because he knocks the table over when he got up to go spew a few times. The funniest part of the night though, was that when Hoadley got up to throw up, he never came back. We saw him go inside, so about 10 minutes after he vanished, we all went to go check on him, but he wasn't in any of the bathrooms. Then Stuntman sees the light in the basement is on for some reason, and we hear some noises, so we head down there, and look what we get to see.
What's the moral of this story? Circle of Death is quite possibly the best drinking game ever, and Rob Hoadley is one prepared drunk considering he managed to find a baseball bat so nobody fucked with him while he passed out in the corner. See how much fun drinking beligerantly can be?
Until next time, check out these other hilarious parody sites, and finish your beer because there are sober children in India right now!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
June 7th, 2003
What a delicous update we have in store for you today! The Midgets section is now up and chock full of hilarious little dwarves! Also to note, the Funny Pics section is also up, however I only have 1 picture up, but don't fret, check back tomorrow and you'll find it loaded!
In other exciting news, the Sweet Cars section will be up tomorrow as well, where you'll get to finally find out what each and every member of the Raffman Dot Com Crew drives every day! Also you'll see some sweet cars that are on everyone's wish list I'm sure. This section is going to be fantaz-magistical!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
June 3rd, 2003
Ahh, June has finally arrived! What does that mean? Well, not much really. Something fantas-magistical hit me this morning though, while I was in the bathroom. I was standing on the toilet, trying to hang a clock, when I slipped and fell and hit my head on the toilet and knocked my self unconscious. When I woke up I had a vision in my mind, so I had to write it down immediately. Now probably all of you are thinking about the Flux Capacitor, but no, this is much better. An entire section, yes on this website right here, devoted completely to midgets and their hilarious antics! Is that unreal or what. I mean everyone loves midgets, they are totally awesome. And when I say totally awesome, I mean sweet. Midgets playing basketball, midgets driving monster trucks, midget strippers, you name it, we will showcase them!
Also look for a sweet new section devoted entirely to mullets which will be up shortly! However, that does present somewhat of a problem however. What if I find a picture of a sweet little midget, but he has a mullet? Do I throw him under midgets, or mullets, or both? Both sounds good, and if I am lucky to fucking find a midget with a mullet, he'll be right here on the front page because that's just too good to pass up. It's like finding the last beer in the fridge or finding 10 bucks in your old pair of jeans.
Look for Hoadley's new article very, very soon! Also please vote for Raffman on the list of topsites on the left!
Here's a sweet idea! You know how Peterson just loves to bring home the fat bitches? Well send him an email and tell him! He just loves hearing feedback, especially from people he doesn't even know! He loves it when people rip on him, so go wild!
Email Petey Here!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
May 31st, 2003
Like racing? Like bud light? Like bud light for 2 dollars? Like bud light for 2 dollars and racing? Like watching people crash their brand new cars against walls on clay tracks while drinking 2 dollar bud light? Well, I sure do, and so does my crew. Last night we decide to hit up the Sycamore speedway, about a half hour away from our trailer park. Ok, ok, i'm joking. It's about 45 minutes away. Geez. Ok, so its me, Presto, Layer, Peters, and Stuntman. We pay the moderately priced admissions fee of 9 dollars and instantly head for the beer line. We pool are money together and get about 4 trays of beer, and for all you nit-picky fucks each tray holds 6 beers, so do the math. The time trials begin, and we start poundin. We polish off a couple of trays, and just in time too, because the real racing is about to begin. Total fuckin beater cars, with white trash drivers. It doesn't get much better than that. Throw in the slippery clay track, all the beer you can drink, and you've pretty much got heaven summed up. The crashes begin, drivers start fuckin fist-fighting for cutting each other off, and the beer keeps flowing. I think I spilled my beer 6 or 7 times on the lady in front of me; at first I was concerned, but after a while I didn't even notice. I highly recommend visiting your local white trash speedway, because let me tell you, it is one hell of a drunken sweet time!
Oh, and I forgot to mention, we saw close to 30 fucking MULLETS!!
Like to laugh? Who doesn't? Another usual conversation between myself and Peters!
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
May 22nd, 2003
Ah another day, another morning hungover. How the fuck is everyone? It's that time of the week again, time for another delicious article from none other than Hoadley himself! But first, I've got a sweet email for everyone, Stuntman sent it to me a couple of days ago with a porn request. The hysterical thing is is that it's totally serious, and total business style like. It's like when you pass a guy in the bathroom; you know that awkward nod of the head each guy gives but nobody ever talks. Another thing to note is if you have ever met Stuntman, you know he never talks like this which just adds to the fun. The fucker is so goofy and pretty much always drunk, to see this email is like seeing Tommy Boy for the first time. No really I'm serious. Well, maybe not.
And now, onto some retarded, poolside fun with Hoadley!
Bordering on Retarded
5/29/2003 Rob Hoadley, raffman.com
Today was a special day. Presto turned 20. Although his age is growing, his height isn't. He is still too short to ride most of the rides at Great America and Disneyland. However, he's not to short to Mack it with one of the dirtiest, fattest Hooters chick on the planet. And tonight, that's just what he did. Secretly, I'd bang her and then kick her dirty ass right out the door with some cab fair, so who am I to judge. On second thought, no cab fair, just a boot in the ass and a door slamming in her face as I scream, This never happened!
Three days into my new job and I've already royally fucked up. I'm working as a lifeguard at a local condo. So far the scenery kind of sucks, mostly 60 something's and pre-teens. I'm not into that shit. First of all, one of them is illegal, and the other should be illegal. There are also a bunch of bitch ass trees at this place. Yes, trees (as in foliage, vegetation, plants). They have these little seeds and shit that blow into the pool. I gotta scoop that crap up literally 20 times an hour. It really pisses me off like a fat guy at a salad bar. Every hour of every day, they spew their tiny seed covered vomit into the pool. They mock me. Everyday I sit there and hope some Mexican rain forest tree cutting fucks will come to cut those bitch ass trees down. But they never come. I weep.
Yesterday the pool looked like a giant toilet. Clumps of seed, bugs, and other organic matter sat at the bottom. This tainted material had to be removed, like the Taliban from Afghanistan. So I decided to take action. I whipped it out (vacuum hose), and decided to vacuum. Bad decision. I hadn't had any training, so I though I'd wing it. Bad Decision. How hard could it be? Hey little girl in the pool, I'm new. Have you ever seen a lifeguard vacuum here before? Bad Decision. After some advice in pool cleaning from a little girl and deductive logic, I had finished vacuuming. Or so I thought. I put everything away and left for the night, without checking anything. Bad decision.
It was storming today so I decided to go into work and read magazines in the bathhouse and get paid for it. Trust me, no spanking was involved and no wangs were harmed. But as Id the door to the bathhouse a wave of smoke met me. I quickly found the cause. The main pump was dry, no water was pumping though it. Which means the pump could have burnt out, cost a lot of money to replace, and ultimately caused me to get fired. I fucked up vacuuming the day before. I was shitting myself like that time I got chased by the cops (To be revealed some other time). The worst part was the pump got so hot it melted some pipes. I had to call my bosses and tell them Err, sorry I fucked up and melted some pipes and almost burnt the pool house down. I felt like a huge pole smoker. I guess the moral of this story is, don't trust little pre-teen girls who say they know how to vacuum pools. They are just little bitches that will play you.
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
May 22nd, 2003
I'd like to take this time to introduce to everyone, a very esteemed colleague of mine. His name is Stuntman, or as other people like to call him, Stuntman. This kid can pound with the best of them, if not out-pound. Curious as to how he got the Stuntman alias? A Stuntman involves snorting salt, taking a shot of tequila, and then squirting lime juice in your eye. Sound crazy? Try one yourself and see how fucked up you get. So whenever you guys are out drinkin and you feel you have stepped onto new ground, stop and realize, Stuntman has already been there. Stuntman is consistently revolutionizing the college drinking experience, which is exactly why he is a member of the Raffman Crew, as well as why he is showcased here this very day.
On another note, I added a new section devoted entirely to drinking games! Some of the crew's favorties are in there, and if you've got one that is sweet that we don't, you know what to do with it!
Also, the Party Pics section has been completely revamped and updated with over 30 new pictures! Definately a must see! The other picture sections will be up shortly, as it is a pain in the ass with all the thumbnails, etc. Be patient, go have a beer, or two dozen.
My Personal Daily Reads
College Drunk Fest Ebaum's World
May 19th, 2003
Twas my bday yesterday, so how did I celebrate? Take a wild guess. It involved me hangin out with the crew over at Dustin's house, who's bio page will be up shortly, and a fifth of Bacardi O. And now for all you salivators out there, here's a new article, enjoy!
Bordering On Retarded
5/19/2003 Rob Hoadley, raffman.com
Ok, bear with me, as I'm a little intoxicated at the moment. I've never really written drunk, thank you Dustin for that cheep coconut rum. It tasted like what I Imagine sun tan lotion tastes like. But I'm drunk and your getting a piece of ass tonight so who cares. Let's hope it brings out the best in me. The Rum that is, not Dustin getting his hump on.
Today's story of interest occurred at Sportmart, my now former employer. Yesterday was my last day, and believes you me it has not come soon enough. If you've ever worked retail you know what I'm talking about. You got the fucking assholes and bitches that tear shit apart and bitch just for the sake of bitching. You got the little grade school motherfuckers that come in there and try and steal shit. And finally you got the cunts that treat you like you are some kind of second-class citizen, a Mexican for example. I'm not a racist. I don't hate Mexicans. But they are dirty, dirty people. A pompous duchebag once asked me as I directed him towards the footwear department, What is this self-service? I replied, What, you want me to put the shoes on your feet for you? Fucking bastard. Thought he was Jesus Christ or something. But this story doesn't deal with any of the so-called bitch ass motherfucking customers it deals with a co-worker.
We call him the Boz. He works in footwear. He's a crazy old dude who did too much cocaine back in the 80's, a totally burnt out motherfucker. He would tell me stories of his sexual conquests and such. Like the time he banged this chick doggy style… you don't want to know the rest believe you me. The gist of the tale was that the bitch screamed, Hey, I'm not a rag doll! He told me this story as some customer perused the clearance shoes. I couldn't stop laughing when he revealed this sexual escapade. The Boz's stories were so entertaining that I wanted to bring a bag of popcorn with me every time I spoke with the fuck. He got into some really sick shit on multiple occasions within an earshot of customers. It was so god damn funny. The sad part was, I was the only person in the store that would talk with the guy, every one else steered clear thinking he was a psycho. He was like a fat chick, at first you are kind of repulsed, but then you find out he's cool once you get to know him. Who am I kidding, FAT CHICKS SUCK! But anyways, today was my last day. I got a sweet as life guarding job this summer, so I told Sportmart to take their $7.25 an hour and go finger bang themselves. Fucking faggots.
It was late in the afternoon and most of the morning shift was leaving for the day. I was getting handshakes from people and the customary Good luck at school. The Boz, out of nowhere, comes up and starts telling me how Tiger Woods hit him in the arm with one of his drives at a golf course in Florida back in the early 90's. Perplexed, I realized I was standing in the middle of the golf department, and gave a customary chuckle. Then he goes I'm out of here see you tomorrow.
This is my last day. I replied. He turned towards me and the next sentence that leaped forth from his mouth had to be the most unexpected, grossest, funniest fucking thing I've ever heard anyone say.
In that case, come in and say hi every so often. Oh, and ugh bring in a doggy bag with little snippets of pussy hair to prove to me that you are banging chicks down at school. He said. Utterly stunned, I could find no other reply than ...
OK, will do. After I realized what I said I felt like a flaming faggot. Not only did I tell some ragging pervert that I would clip some chick's pussy hair off, put it in a doggy bag and give it to him, I made myself look like a complete and utter homo. So, what else is new. Until Next time keep it real.
The message boards will be up shortly, expect them to be finished by tomorrow night! Oh, and Peterson, you are still my bitch.
May 17th, 2003
The crew at raffman.com has some delicious news for you all, a new weekly column is startin up and the first edition is arriving today. So not only will you keep getting the same mouthwatering stories and news, but you'll be getting an extra dose of drunken fun to go along with it every week. Today is Saturday so I hope every one of you is goin out tonight to get crunked, if not well, there's more for us to drink. Enjoy!
Bordering On Retarded
5/17/2003 Rob Hoadley, raffman.com
We were rolling three deep in my sweet ass ride yesterday. A 1995 greenish blue Chevy Corsica with over 120,000 miles on it. I've had this pile, since my sophomore year of high school, my first and only car. Sure it's seen better days, but it's got a certain charm. I kind of liken it to when you marry a decent looking chick and she gets all fat and bloated. Yeah she looks like shit, but you still keep her around just to abuse her. And boy has my car seen some abuse. It's been kicked, spit on, pissed on, shit on (by birds), and yesterday some brown-toothed faggot punched it.
Yesterday's driving adventure started when I ripped out of the driving range's gravel driveway Dukes of Hazard style, not once but twice. I was in the driver's seat, to my right Co- Pilot Tony Coconate and behind me was Navigator Joe Roids Coconate. As we drove down some road my ridiculous driving skills were at their finest. I was taking huge ass curves gran-turismo style. All of the sudden I hear my co-pilot say Dude there's a cell phone in the road. I was all about using up the remaining minutes on that shit phone calling Vietnam or some damn place. So I wing a 360 in the middle of some god damn country intersection and we pick up that shit pile only to find that it had been run over a billion times and had slightly melted in the early summer sun. So Tony, the brains of the operation, comes up with a plan to whip it on the pavement at Dairy Queen as he screams I hate cell phones! or some shit. It was funny at the time, looking back I just wanted some peanut Oreo blizzard in me. As we made our way down Country Club Road all hell broke loose.
So I'm behind this white Chrysler mini-van. Little did I know it was a virtual Jerry Springer Show on wheels. I swear to god if Satan is a chick she was driving this fucking van. So I'm tailing the van a little close, and a car in front of the van made a left turn. I cut it a little close to the rear bumper when it stopped. I still had at least a good foot of clearance. I could see through the back window that the bitch was flipping me the bird and screaming profanities. I simply smiled and we all laughed, I might have flipped them off I don't remember. As traffic moved along, the van stood still for a good 20 seconds. Then this bitch smokes her tires and pulls ahead 10 feet and then hits the brakes hard. It was all I could do to keep from hitting the van. Then the driver's side and out pops the bitch a.k.a Satan. I slowly rolled up my window as she approached. Fuck you I got fucking kids in the car! she screamed. Well maybe you should stop driving like a bitch you fucking cunt. Then out pops Billy Bob Ebola from the passenger side. He puts his hand on my hood as his bitch was still screaming the same damn thing Fuck you I got fucking kids in the car!. No way, kids are in that car? He hits the hood of my car and screams I got kids in the car, come out here and do something! Well sir, we have already established that. Do you think that having kids in the car gives you the right to drive like an asshole and jump in and out of cars. I think not. Your stupid cunt of a wife gave them whiplash from driving like an inbreed. Your kids are fucked up from all the profanity inside your mini-van. So go fuck yourself you brown toothed mullet sporting faggot. Normally I would have gone out and busted skulls, but I was in shock. They got back in the van and took off. But I got the fucking plate. I will hunt them down slash their tires and bash their windows in with a baseball bat. The bastards can't hide from my wrath. By the way there wasn't a dent, but the stupid grease monkey left a dirty handprint on my hood.
All future columns will be archived in hoadley's crew page.
May 16th, 2003
Had to take care of a lot of little shit, but if you notice most of the sections are now up and running finally, and the ones that aren't well, they'll be up tomorrow. Keep the beer flowing.
MTV Sorority Life Uncensored!
My Daily Reads:
collegedrunkfest Ebaums Jose Cuervo
May 5th, 2003 Feliz Cindo de Mayo!
How the fuck are ya? I thought about doing this entire update en espanol, pero decidía contra él. Hopefully everyone will be headin out to their respective places to booze it up, I know I will. You can't fuckin pass up 1$ Coronas all night, especially when your next final isn't until tomorrow night at 6! Oh yeah, the crew pages are coming along nicely, with about half of them up and running. What's the fucking purpose for doin all this shit? That way when you read one of our fucked up stories, you'll get to put faces with names. It's actually a fun game, although not as fun as terrorizing Peterson when he brings home a huge fat girl. Also digital cameras will soon be in our hands, so when we go out and experience all this wild and crazy shit, we'll be able to show it to you. Which is nice. That's about it for today's update, and I'll leave you with a little Cinco de Mayo flavor!
April 24th, 2003
So I wake my ass up this morning bright fucking early at 7:30, which gives me just enough time to walk my somewhat still drunk ass to my 8 am class all the way across campus. For a sober walker, the walk to lawson from my off campus house is about 15 minutes, however, I wasn't exactly in olympic shape when I woke up. As i'm stumbling to class, I happen to stop just about halfway because a squirrel catches my eye. Now, as is probably teh case on most college campuses across the nation, the squirrel-student relationship is a very friendly one. Carbondale is one such case. Since I didn't feel like getting to my biology lecture on time today, I decided to take a few moments and watch this interesting event occur. Southern Illinois University, with its close proximity to many national forests and parks, tends to attract quite a few hippies. So as I'm walking to class, I stop and fucking see this hippy and his dirty ass (not like I was mr. clean this morning) holding a fucking squirrel in the palm of his hand. Better yet, from what I could hear, they were holding a pretty interesting conversation. Anyways, hippies never fucking cease to amaze me, so now on to why you're really here, for some sweet, sweet porn. And little chinese kids. (did i just say that?)
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