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315  Jokes VOTE: 303 votes 95 votes   BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. We can cry and get off speeding fines. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. Taxis stop for us. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point). New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 159 votes 72 votes   One day God was looking down on earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good people. He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So, He called a male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find. When the angel returned, he went to God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good. God said this was not good. He decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them. Something that would help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said? | | V Oh, you didn't get one, either????? [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 195 votes 28 votes   This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... (scroll down)... I love this one ... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Free! Click here for your chance at free prizes! VOTE: 189 votes 24 votes   REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Kentucky), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The Ohio physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... Also works in West Virginia. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 82 votes 12 votes   Guy Quotes: "I'M GOING FISHING": Translation: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH, SURE HONEY, OR YES DEAR" Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translation: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND" Translation: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD" Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner" "THAT'S INTERESTING DEAR" Translation: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS" Translation: "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned,.... but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES" Translation: "The girl selling them was a real babe" "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL" Translation: " I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translation: "And I sure hope I can think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT" Translation: " It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translation: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU" Translation: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Translation: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm Starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK" Translation: "I make the messes, she cleans them up." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 41 votes 31 votes   To whom it may concern: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please? Jane ---------------------------------- Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command "C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:\I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and snoringLoudly .wav files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip. Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as fixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! Sincerely, Tech Support [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 47 votes 10 votes   Letters received by the welfare department in applications for financial assistance. 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year, and she has been visited regularly by the preacher. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I was living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. 7. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? 8. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. 9. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. 10. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. 11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I'll be forced to lead an immoral life. 12. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? 13. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. 14. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins, in the enclosed envelope. 15. I want money as quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the same doctor for two weeks, and it doesn't do any good. If things don't improve soon, please send another doctor to help him. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     Page: 1