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Julie Benson, syndicated humor columnist, offers this fun page of grave humor and deep thoughts for visitors and fans.

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore, great actor of stage and screen, Drew's grandpa

Learning to accept death is dealing yourself the same straight flush that allows you to enjoy life.
--Julie Benson

People die, people die, people die. Let's party!
--Nicholas Cage in The Vampire's Kiss

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Quotable Quotes. These quotes are for your enjoyment and you may use them in your online and print publications with the proviso that they are copyright 1999 Julie Benson, all rights reserved, and by republishing them in print or electronic form, you are agreeing with the following requirements and restrictions:

• You must not edit the quotes, each one must be quoted complete and unaltered.
• You must credit Julie Benson as the source with the 'by Julie Benson' or '- Julie Benson' byline.
• You may not use more than 3 quotes per publication or edition. You may not compile the quotes by themselves and distribute them for profit. Only Julie gets to do that.

Grave Misunderstandings - cemetery humor, satirical obituaries, and pithy pronouncements

Don't be tempted to give out too much good advice when you get old, or you'll have less fun living vicariously through the exploits of others. --Julie Benson

Eulogy for an economy funeral, with the deceased packed like sardines in a common casket: We commend thee to thy maker, asses to asses and busts to busts. --Julie Benson

Death is like corporate meetings, no one is exempt. Even the Pope has to file a final report. --Julie Benson

God was in a good mood after performing miracles in a distant part of the galaxy, and decided he didn't really want to force anyone to go to hell. He just rattled his sceptre once in a while to keep them in line. This caused problems for St. Peter when heaven started to overflow. God was busy watching his favorite space opera, so St. Peter decided the best thing to do was to close the Gates and go on strike. All the folks who were used to seeking instant gratification through murder, theft, cheating and drinking someone else's keg voluntarily headed off to hell because they were bored and impatient. St. Peter let the remainder into heaven and they set up happy homes with wide-screen, surround-sound entertainment systems, 1.7 kids, and dogs that didn't doo on the carpet.
Well, that was all right for awhile until the folks in hell had too much tequila and decided they wanted it all, heaven and hell, so they rallied the troops and stormed the Pearly Gates, taking everyone hostage and making off with the remote controls. The takeover was so easy, the hellians became complacent and lazy, and dropped their guard, giving St. Peter and his minions a chance to throw them out and repossess their microwaves.
This went back and forth a few times until St. Peter asked God why he wasn't doing something to prevent all the wars and takeovers--heaven and hell were starting to be just like Earth. Ah, said God, people think evolution is progress, when in fact evolution is balance and change. All I had to do was plant the seed. The rest is up to them. If they want Marilyn Monroe and Elvis effigees two centuries from now, well that's their choice. Free will gives me a chance to kick back and invent new kinds of star systems and roller coasters. Otherwise, I'd never have any leisure time on my hands, and what kind of example would that be for the people in heaven? St. Peter thought about this for a while andd up the gates of heaven to everyone so he could go off and play a few rounds of golf. God smiled, put on his favorite CD and invented two new kinds of barbecue sauce. --Julie Benson

Death is a gift to the human race, of not repeating the same mistakes. --Julie Benson

We are taught to respect the dead. We probably do so because they no longer crash our parties and drink our beer. --Julie Benson

As humans we spend at least as much time doubting our ultimate death as we do imagining its horrors. --Julie Benson

Those who are trying hardest to live longest, by rigorous discipline, exercise and diet, seem to me to spend less time simply enjoying whatever time they have. --Julie Benson

What keeps us going, despite being the only species that is aware of the inevitability of death, is the inner belief of each person that he might just be the one who is exempt. --Julie Benson

Death is the final audit, where your receipts should never add up to more than what you've given out. --Julie Benson

We view suicide as the ultimate tragedy and death as the ultimate fear. Yet there must be something more fearsome than death when there are those who take their own lives. --Julie Benson

Death is like a performance review. Everyone dreads it while secretly hoping St. Peter will put in a good word to The Boss. --Julie Benson

We give special significance to dying words, as though the person had one foot in this realm and one in the next, hoping for a momentary glimpse of what is to become. --Julie Benson

A celebrity fears death less than being forgotten in life. -Julie Benson

Funeral expenses lighten the pocket in order to heighten the sorrow of the bereaved. --Julie Benson

We see cosmetic surgeries as fairly recent venturies, but undertakers, bless their arts, have practised it for centuries. --Julie Benson

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