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39 'PG','R' rated jokes in the category Irish



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Joke #2943
Rating: R


45 votes
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to vote!

41 votes
An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6
inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd
like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness
for me friend."

The barman says, "Blimey, what've you got there, Paddy? Is
it a little Irish leprechaun?"

Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked
out of him."


Bride-to-Be Sash

 

Joke #869
Rating: R


42 votes
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to vote!

16 votes
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast?
They're hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit."


 

Joke #3759
Rating: R


38 votes
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to vote!

25 votes
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed, and
looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for
you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your
affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid
character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room to his son who had been
waiting. O'Malley said, "Well, son we Irish celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head
for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the
two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his
confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS!"

O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping with your
mother after I'm gone."


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Joke #4098
Rating: R


34 votes
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to vote!

18 votes
This man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to
the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought
up to the register.


She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he
didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she
reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up
the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to
register 5."


The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most
of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he
told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and
asked if she could have some brought up to the register.


She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel,
picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized
condoms to register 5."

A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had
witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual
contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed
some condoms.


She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked
him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter,
gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and
said, "Clean up at register 5!"


 

Joke #334
Rating: R


29 votes
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to vote!

11 votes
"I LOVE YOU" in Different Languages

English...........I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... Ich Liebe Dich
Greek............ S'Agapo
Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay
Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok


Arkansas Redneck .... Nice Tits


 

Joke #2747
Rating: PG


29 votes
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to vote!

16 votes
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five
year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was
the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it
was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's
not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it
was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right.
Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know
Hymie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ," to which Hymie replied, "I know, in my heart I knew it
was Moses, but business is business."


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Joke #3792
Rating: PG


28 votes
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to vote!

15 votes
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be
sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick
replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right
away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the
service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"


 


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