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 MAJOR ADVICE
Have a question about love, lifestyle, home repair, your future? Why ask the experts, when you can get some Major Advice.
Major, 7M Pictures' mascot, will answer all your questions. He is a dog, but he has dog gone good advice. Email you questions to Major at major
Dear Major,
Help! I’m about to go into prison, and I’m not sure what to expect. I’m use to breakfast in my cute little breakfast nook, and my afternoon tea on my beautiful brick patio overlooking my rose garden. How can I keep my quality, homemaking ways while in the big house?
Soon To Be ‘Big Bertha’s New Girlfriend'
Dear Bertha’s Girl,
Don’t worry. Prison won’t be too bad. You can still have your breakfast in your little 4 X 4 cell, and your tea in the yard. Just instead of roses, you can see the dew glistening off the other inmates as they workout. Maybe take this opportunity to revamp your new surroundings. Redecorate and spruce things up. But make sure you pee on everything to mark it. That way no one will help herself to your stuff.
Good Luck,
Major
Dear Major,
I’ve been thinking of a career move. I like my job. I’m a furniture salesman and make pretty good money. The hours can be tough, but the people are nice, and we have nice products to sell. However, I met this really nice girl, and she told me about the wonderful world of sales for a product company. This sounds like a great opportunity. And she was very hot too. So should I quit my furniture sales job and try this new opportunity that she said I could possibly make a million dollars. All I have to make sure is I sell stuff (which I’m good at), and get others (a down line) to sell too. And it’s just a starting investment. What do you think?
Job Jumble
Dear Job Jumble,
Okay, I understand a pretty girl walking by and wanting to sniff her ass. Heck, I might even jump on for a little ride, if you know what I mean. But Get Real! If this is what I think it is. . . Run Away! Fast! These multilevel marketing schemes never work out. You end up having to buy the stuff yourself, and you are stuck with it. And then you become the annoying little bastard that everyone hates because all you do is try and talk them into joining. So stick with the tried and true. You can still try and get the motion going with the lady, by all means, give it a ride.
Good Luck,
Major
Dear Major,
I have visited www.7mpictures.com and noticed that your website is not listed on some search engines. I am sure that through our service the number of people who visit your website will definitely increase. {Our Service} is a unique technology that instantly submits your website to over 500,000 search engines and directories -- a really low-cost and effective way to advertise your site.
Give your website maximum exposure today! Looking forward to hearing from you.
Best Regards,
Vanessa Lintner
Dear Vanessa,
I have some great advice for you. Have a huge enema to dislodge that stick up your butt. That way it will smell nice and clean and I can enjoy sticking my nose in it.
Good Luck,
Major
Dear Major,
With the spring weather, I have been getting bugs in the house. The other night I was lying in bed and felt something tickling my leg. I thought it was my husband’s hairy leg, but then I remembered, my husband was at his mistress’ house that night. It was a huge centipede under the covers. They are so gross and they bite. I need to get rid of them but can’t afford a fancy exterminator. How can I get those awful things out of my house.
Bed Bug
Dear Bed Bug,
What’s the big deal. Centipedes are actually good because they eat other bugs. And they are rather tasty. I will eat about 2 a day when I can catch them. Boy do they run fast. So change your attitude. Capture a couple, fry 'em up in a pan and give them to your man. He will love them so much that maybe he will drop his mistress and come back home to you. If that doesn’t work, try adding some poop too. Dogs got the right idea. Bugs and Poop. What a divine delicacy.
Good Luck,
Major
Dear Major,
What is the best diet to use? I have tried every diet, Carb-Free, Fat-Free, All Water, Only Green Food, Only Straw Food, No Chewing, Only Cheese (boy was that tough on my colon), you name it, I’ve tried it. And nothing seems to work. I am still fat. Please let me know how I can drop the weight!
Fat Freedom
Dear Fat Freedom,
Look, none of those diets work. The only way to loose weight is to cut your food intake and exercise. And if you forget yourself and end up eating an entire large Mariachi Beef Pizza from Donatos (now that will really kill your colon), then eat some grass. That will make you puke and get rid of all those calories. That’s what I do. And for some advice about soothing that poor colon, just scoot your butt across the carpet. That always helps me feel better.
Good Luck,
Major
Dear Major,
I have a beautiful 5 year old little boy named Petey. He has been a very sweet little snookums-wookums angel, until recently. He has just started biting. I don’t know how to stop him. I have tried bribing him with chocolate and even tried giving him a ‘time out’. But nothing seems to stop him from wanting to bite. How can I make him realize that this is not behavior for the little sweetie that he is.
Perplexed Parent
Dear Perplexed Parent,
Wow! It sounds like your kid is a complete brat. And chocolate and ‘time outs’ aren’t going to help. Have you tried telling your kid, “No”? Get a backbone and stop letting little devil, Petey, run your life. If you insist on the bribery angle, at least try some Jujyfruits. Those will lock up his jaw so he can’t bite. You can always try a muzzle on him. That’s what my mom uses when I try to bite the vet. I hate them.
Good Luck,
Major
Dear Major,
Help! My second floor toilet seal broke and the water leaked and created a hole in my first floor ceiling. I have smelly water leaking into the living room. I could live with the water, but my wife is mad that the couch has a pee stain on it from the leak. So to get her off my back, how can I fix it myself? I don’t want to pay someone to fix it.
Toilet Troubles
Dear Toilet Troubles,
First of all, I understand you not wanting to hire a contractor to fix it. They will charge you way too much money and not even show up on time, if at all. So it’s easy to fix yourself. Just get a new toilet seal. Those things rot all the time. Then take some drywall and replace the first floor ceiling. To fix the couch, just turn the soiled cushion over. No one will know. What you can’t see, can’t hurt you. Then get on your wife’s back, and do her doggie style (my favorite) so she will forget about the couch. All will be happy. But I just don’t know why you people don’t just crap in the backyard. That would save all sorts of trouble. You put your waste in your own home. How disgusting is that!
Good Luck,
Major
Dear Major,
With last weekend being Valentine’s Day, my thoughts have been on love. I have a neighbor that I have had a crush on for 3 years. But I haven’t had the courage to ask her out. We say ‘hi’ when we run into each other outside our apartments, but that’s about it. She is really pretty, and seems nice. When I looking through her windows, I notice she likes a lot of the same things I do, Jennifer Lopez movies, feather boas on her lingerie and chocolate covered peanuts. So I know we would get along great, I just haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask her out. What should I do?
The Cowardly Lion
Dear Cowardly Lion,
If you like this girl, first stop being a pervert. You have to control yourself and stop looking at her through the window. As my mom always says when I’m snooping around other people’s windows, “That’s none of your business, you perv.” Then, when you run into each other outside, strike up a conversation. Ask if she has had a good day, or if she has big plans for the weekend. Then take it one step at a time. And if that doesn’t work, and she rejects you, just take a dump in her front yard. That’s what I would do.
Good Luck,
Major
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