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225  Jokes VOTE: 48 votes 15 votes   A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 31 votes 4 votes   Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex: 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex... 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR! [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 14 votes 17 votes   What did the vampire say to the English teacher See you next period. (By Richard Lederer) What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist? A horrible par a dox (By Gary Hallock) Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.(By Jeff P. Symonds) What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts? A Scare-ousel (By Stan Kegel) Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Clynch Varnadore) How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. (From Gr8 Humor) What do you call a panty raid on a coven? An embarrassment of witches.. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts. (By Jeff P. Symonds) Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon? A Were-doe (By Stan Kegel) What do you call a middle eastern exotic dancing mummy? A gauza stripper (By Gary Hallock) What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? Put your boos and shocks on. (From C C Jokes) Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer. (By Clynch Varnadore) Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves... (By Jackie Holle) What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street? Buckle your sheet belt .(From Ernie) How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From C C Jokes) Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with. ( By Trinitty) What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein. (By Clynch Varnadore) Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with... (By Jackie Holle) What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school? A Dead Give-away (By Stan Kegel) What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist. ( By Trinitty) What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? Don't spook until your spooken to. (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror. (From C C Jokes) What was the werewolf's first name? Harry (By Gary Hallock) What's a broom? Witch craft. (By Lars Hanson) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.(By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Where did the goblin throw the football? Over the ghoul line. ( By Trinitty) Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.(By Jackie Holle) What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch. (From C C Jokes) How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. (From C C Jokes) What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a. ( By Trinitty) What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo boos. (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo! (By Jeff P. Symonds) Who is the witches favorite singer? Robert Ghoulet (By Stan Kegel) What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous ghost detective? Sherlock Moans. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous witch detective? Warlock Holmes ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart ( By Trinitty) What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo (By Randall Woodman) Where does Dracula water ski? On Lake Erie, off course. (By Norman Gilbert) What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray. (By Clynch Varnadore) Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank. (From C C Jokes) Why would you expect a snappy comeback from a mad scientist? They are known for their quick retorts. (By Lars Hanson) What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?" (By Jackie Holle) Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building. ( By Trinitty) "What do you call an empty hot dog?" "A hollow weenie." (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). How do vampires get around on Halloween night? By blood vessels (By Jeff P. Symonds). Why do you always find ghouls and demons together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.. (By Jackie Holle). Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He had no guts. ( By Trinitty) What are a vampire's favorite snacks? Adam's apples and nectarines (Bunch o'jokes Club) . Why can't the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie. ( By Trinitty) Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps (By Gary Hallock) Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights. (From C C Jokes) What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula. (By Clynch Varnadore) What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck. ( By Trinitty) What do the birds sing on Halloween? Twick or Tweet (By Jeff P. Symonds) Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster? (By Randall Woodman) What kind of car do the German scientist drive who clone sheep? Vee Double Ewe (By Gary Hallock) If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits (By Stan Kegel) . Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." (From C C Jokes) Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore) Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life. ( By Trinitty) Where do corpses eat lunch? At the cadaver-teria (By Cynthia MacGregor) Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones (By Jeff P. Symonds) What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? "You're under a vest!" (From C C Jokes) How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark? They use jackal lanterns. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi. (By Norman Gilbert) Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures. ( By Trinitty) How did the ghost repair his sheet? With a pumpkin patch. (By Clynch Varnadore) What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein... (By Jackie Holle) How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. (By Bunch o'Jokes Club:) What's soft, moldy and flies? A spoiled bat. (From C C Jokes) Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo. ( By Trinitty) After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back from the drugstore? Prints of darkness (By Gary Hallock) Where did the vampirehis savings account? At a blood bank (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call two witches living together? Broommates. ( By Trinitty) Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball? It was his bat. (From C C Jokes) What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid ( By Trinitty) What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone.. (By Jackie Holle). Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin (By Gary Hallock) What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends... (By Jackie Holle) What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains? Hungarian Ghoul Ash? (By Gary Hallock) What should you say when you meet a ghost? "How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?" (From C C Jokes) Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license. ( By Trinitty) How do you make a witch scratch? Take away her "W".(Bunch O‚ Jokes Club) What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They boo-kle their seatbelts (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of dog does a mad scientist have? A lab. (By Lars Hanson) Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath... (By Jackie Holle) After watching an undertaker, how might you describe someone's death? As a fit of coffin. (By Lars Hanson) Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in. (From C C Jokes) What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? Whipped scream. ( By Trinitty) Do witches stay home on weekends? No. They go away for a spell. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club) : What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane.. (By Jackie Holle). How did the witch get around when her broomstick broke:? She witch-hiked. (From MAL) Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation... (By Jackie Holle) What do you call a little monsters parents? Mummy and deady ( By Trinitty) Where do ghosts go shopping? In Boo-tiques. (From C C Jokes) What is Transylvania? Dracula's terror-tory (By Jeff P. Symonds) What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist. (By Clynch Varnadore) How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor? Because he kept his monster in stitches. (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat? A washin' werewolf (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Whom did the zombie invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up. (From C C Jokes) What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE. ( By Trinitty) How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club) What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet. (By Clynch Varnadore) What type of dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds... (By Jackie Holle) What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich... (By Jackie Holle) How do Halloween spooks learn to be so scary? They attend ghost graduate school. (By Richard Lederer and P.C. Swanson) How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From Bunch of Jokes Club) How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes. ( By Trinitty) Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Norman Gilbert) What kind of vehicle does Satan drive? A Cadillac Devil (By Gary Hallock) Why is the witch like a candle? They are both wicked. (From C C Jokes) Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore) What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetite! (From Placebo Page) What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home? A grave problem. ( By Trinitty) What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball... (By Jackie Holle) What kind of vehicle does God drive? Jesus Chrysler (By Gary Hallock) What does a vampire fear most? Tooth decay (By Jeff P. Symonds) Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? He was dead on his feet. (From C C Jokes) What can't you give the headless horseman? A headache. ( By Trinitty) When you die and come back as a hillbilly, what's it called? Re-Intarnation (By Gary Hallock) Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend (By Clynch Varnadore) Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club. ( By Trinitty) What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to place a hex on a taxicab? A spell checker (By Gary Hallock) What do rednecks do on Halloween? PUMP-kin (From The Placebo Page) What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost-Toasties (By Gary Hallock) Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms (By Randall Woodman) Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos. ( By Trinitty) What is a ghost's favorite ice cream flavor? Boo-berry. (By Lars Hanson) What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich. (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray (By Clynch Varnadore) How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? Give him screws. ( By Trinitty) Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite... (By Jackie Holle) Where do vampires learn to suck blood? In law school... (From C C Jokes) Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night. ( By Trinitty) [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Free! Click here for your chance at free prizes! VOTE: 22 votes 6 votes   Subject: Kids A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned"... "spit out your gum, I want to play President." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 17 votes 9 votes   BAD HEADLINERS: March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 20 votes 5 votes   My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse. So.........I asked one more time. "Matt, did you have an accident?" This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled... "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 13 votes 5 votes   A little boyd the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!" [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     Page: 1