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176  Jokes VOTE: 154 votes 17 votes   REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Kentucky), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The Ohio physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... Also works in West Virginia. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 44 votes 8 votes   Letters received by the welfare department in applications for financial assistance. 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year, and she has been visited regularly by the preacher. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I was living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. 7. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? 8. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. 9. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. 10. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. 11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I'll be forced to lead an immoral life. 12. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? 13. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. 14. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins, in the enclosed envelope. 15. I want money as quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the same doctor for two weeks, and it doesn't do any good. If things don't improve soon, please send another doctor to help him. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 14 votes 17 votes   What did the vampire say to the English teacher See you next period. (By Richard Lederer) What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist? A horrible par a dox (By Gary Hallock) Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.(By Jeff P. Symonds) What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts? A Scare-ousel (By Stan Kegel) Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Clynch Varnadore) How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. (From Gr8 Humor) What do you call a panty raid on a coven? An embarrassment of witches.. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts. (By Jeff P. Symonds) Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon? A Were-doe (By Stan Kegel) What do you call a middle eastern exotic dancing mummy? A gauza stripper (By Gary Hallock) What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? Put your boos and shocks on. (From C C Jokes) Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer. (By Clynch Varnadore) Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves... (By Jackie Holle) What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street? Buckle your sheet belt .(From Ernie) How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From C C Jokes) Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with. ( By Trinitty) What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein. (By Clynch Varnadore) Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with... (By Jackie Holle) What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school? A Dead Give-away (By Stan Kegel) What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist. ( By Trinitty) What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? Don't spook until your spooken to. (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror. (From C C Jokes) What was the werewolf's first name? Harry (By Gary Hallock) What's a broom? Witch craft. (By Lars Hanson) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.(By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Where did the goblin throw the football? Over the ghoul line. ( By Trinitty) Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.(By Jackie Holle) What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch. (From C C Jokes) How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. (From C C Jokes) What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a. ( By Trinitty) What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo boos. (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo! (By Jeff P. Symonds) Who is the witches favorite singer? Robert Ghoulet (By Stan Kegel) What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous ghost detective? Sherlock Moans. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous witch detective? Warlock Holmes ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart ( By Trinitty) What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo (By Randall Woodman) Where does Dracula water ski? On Lake Erie, off course. (By Norman Gilbert) What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray. (By Clynch Varnadore) Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank. (From C C Jokes) Why would you expect a snappy comeback from a mad scientist? They are known for their quick retorts. (By Lars Hanson) What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?" (By Jackie Holle) Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building. ( By Trinitty) "What do you call an empty hot dog?" "A hollow weenie." (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). How do vampires get around on Halloween night? By blood vessels (By Jeff P. Symonds). Why do you always find ghouls and demons together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.. (By Jackie Holle). Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He had no guts. ( By Trinitty) What are a vampire's favorite snacks? Adam's apples and nectarines (Bunch o'jokes Club) . Why can't the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie. ( By Trinitty) Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps (By Gary Hallock) Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights. (From C C Jokes) What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula. (By Clynch Varnadore) What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck. ( By Trinitty) What do the birds sing on Halloween? Twick or Tweet (By Jeff P. Symonds) Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster? (By Randall Woodman) What kind of car do the German scientist drive who clone sheep? Vee Double Ewe (By Gary Hallock) If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits (By Stan Kegel) . Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." (From C C Jokes) Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore) Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life. ( By Trinitty) Where do corpses eat lunch? At the cadaver-teria (By Cynthia MacGregor) Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones (By Jeff P. Symonds) What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? "You're under a vest!" (From C C Jokes) How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark? They use jackal lanterns. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi. (By Norman Gilbert) Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures. ( By Trinitty) How did the ghost repair his sheet? With a pumpkin patch. (By Clynch Varnadore) What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein... (By Jackie Holle) How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. (By Bunch o'Jokes Club:) What's soft, moldy and flies? A spoiled bat. (From C C Jokes) Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo. ( By Trinitty) After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back from the drugstore? Prints of darkness (By Gary Hallock) Where did the vampirehis savings account? At a blood bank (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call two witches living together? Broommates. ( By Trinitty) Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball? It was his bat. (From C C Jokes) What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid ( By Trinitty) What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone.. (By Jackie Holle). Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin (By Gary Hallock) What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends... (By Jackie Holle) What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains? Hungarian Ghoul Ash? (By Gary Hallock) What should you say when you meet a ghost? "How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?" (From C C Jokes) Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license. ( By Trinitty) How do you make a witch scratch? Take away her "W".(Bunch O‚ Jokes Club) What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They boo-kle their seatbelts (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of dog does a mad scientist have? A lab. (By Lars Hanson) Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath... (By Jackie Holle) After watching an undertaker, how might you describe someone's death? As a fit of coffin. (By Lars Hanson) Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in. (From C C Jokes) What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? Whipped scream. ( By Trinitty) Do witches stay home on weekends? No. They go away for a spell. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club) : What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane.. (By Jackie Holle). How did the witch get around when her broomstick broke:? She witch-hiked. (From MAL) Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation... (By Jackie Holle) What do you call a little monsters parents? Mummy and deady ( By Trinitty) Where do ghosts go shopping? In Boo-tiques. (From C C Jokes) What is Transylvania? Dracula's terror-tory (By Jeff P. Symonds) What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist. (By Clynch Varnadore) How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor? Because he kept his monster in stitches. (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat? A washin' werewolf (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Whom did the zombie invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up. (From C C Jokes) What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE. ( By Trinitty) How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club) What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet. (By Clynch Varnadore) What type of dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds... (By Jackie Holle) What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich... (By Jackie Holle) How do Halloween spooks learn to be so scary? They attend ghost graduate school. (By Richard Lederer and P.C. Swanson) How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From Bunch of Jokes Club) How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes. ( By Trinitty) Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Norman Gilbert) What kind of vehicle does Satan drive? A Cadillac Devil (By Gary Hallock) Why is the witch like a candle? They are both wicked. (From C C Jokes) Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore) What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetite! (From Placebo Page) What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home? A grave problem. ( By Trinitty) What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball... (By Jackie Holle) What kind of vehicle does God drive? Jesus Chrysler (By Gary Hallock) What does a vampire fear most? Tooth decay (By Jeff P. Symonds) Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? He was dead on his feet. (From C C Jokes) What can't you give the headless horseman? A headache. ( By Trinitty) When you die and come back as a hillbilly, what's it called? Re-Intarnation (By Gary Hallock) Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend (By Clynch Varnadore) Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club. ( By Trinitty) What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to place a hex on a taxicab? A spell checker (By Gary Hallock) What do rednecks do on Halloween? PUMP-kin (From The Placebo Page) What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost-Toasties (By Gary Hallock) Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms (By Randall Woodman) Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos. ( By Trinitty) What is a ghost's favorite ice cream flavor? Boo-berry. (By Lars Hanson) What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich. (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray (By Clynch Varnadore) How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? Give him screws. ( By Trinitty) Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite... (By Jackie Holle) Where do vampires learn to suck blood? In law school... (From C C Jokes) Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night. ( By Trinitty) [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Free! Click here for your chance at free prizes! VOTE: 22 votes 6 votes   Subject: Kids A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned"... "spit out your gum, I want to play President." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 17 votes 9 votes   BAD HEADLINERS: March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 12 votes 6 votes   After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 12 votes 3 votes   The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday." Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the doctor's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness. Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?" She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     Page: 1