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Confessions from the Slut
Written by Raffman on September 21 2004
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Thank God you're not in Florida. If you are, well, that sucks. With Jeanne knocking on the door it doesn't look like the shit's gonna stop stinkin anytime soon. Heck, Karl and Lisa are making out in the Atlantic right now while they wait their turn for their shot at Florida's shores. It's like their all having a contest on who can kill the most Haitians in one pass or something. Now I know that was low, I have nothing against the Haitian community. I think we need to airlift a couple hundred thousand arm-floaties or something to keep them alive. Wouldn't that be something; waking up in the morning to see thousands of Haitians floating with their orange, Flintstones floaties while they wait out the storm. Maybe the college community should take the initiative and start a humanitarian collection. If anyone wants to head his operation email me and we can set something up. I'm down with splitting the Nobel Peace Prize if it's cool with you.
Disney just isn't the same as it used to be. First of all, I just found out that all the characters are really people in costumes. Did anyone else know about this? Man, that really hits home. I always seem to be the last person to find out these life-changing news events. Anyway Goofy, played now by Michael Chartrand, has been accused of shoving two people at Disney's Animal Kingdom. The same man was also accused in the past for fondling a 13-year old girl while in costume, although those charges were acquitted. Know what the best part about this is? This douchebag's lawyer said in response to the shoving accusations, "My client was just goofing because he was Goofy." I about wet myself when I read that; I can't see that statement holding up in a court of law. You see, this is what happens when you leave these jobs to human actors, or child-molesting convicts in this case. Disney should re-hire the real Goofy, Mickey, and the rest of the crew so that these problems will be avoided in the future. That's what you get for outsourcing, Walt! I bet the real Goofy never got into fist-fights with the customers, even if he did catch one of them sleeping with Minnie Mouse.
In other top-news, Paris Hilton has released her long-awaited book to the public entitled, "Confessions of a Heiress". Now while I'm still waiting for my pre-ordered copy to arrive, I'm curious as to how well it is going to sell. Who wants to read a book with broken english, incomplete sentences, and that probably contains chapter titles like, "Oh my God!", and, "I don't Get it". Coming from Paris this book is supposed to be about, "My friends and dating tips and do's and don'ts of dressing. It's kind of like a girls' guide. It's pretty interesting. It was hard, but it was a really fun project." I bet it was hard; hard for you to figure out how a pencil works, and hard for your poor editor who probably couldn't tell the difference between "Confessions of a Rich Slut" and his kid's 3rd grade writing assignment. I can definately see this one as a New York Times Bestseller mainstay, without a doubt.
As the semester trudges forward, be sure to keep checking back in. Site updates will be coming back to its normal bi-daily schedule, sometimes you'll see them every day. It really depends on my time as I'm balancing this, school, my uber-hot girlfriend, and Monday Night Cockfights all at the same time; not to mention running my fraternity. While you're sitting on your ass waiting for your next class to roll around, don't forget all the content we have to offer. Hell, you could spend days browsing the largest collection of sex moves, or watch some of the latest videos in our movie section. Don't forget about the ever-growing forums either; nearly 300 people can't be wrong.
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