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93  Jokes VOTE: 409 votes 78 votes   The blonde and the lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Bedrijfsdeuren   VOTE: 276 votes 82 votes   BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. We can cry and get off speeding fines. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. Taxis stop for us. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point). New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 14 votes 17 votes   What did the vampire say to the English teacher See you next period. (By Richard Lederer) What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist? A horrible par a dox (By Gary Hallock) Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.(By Jeff P. Symonds) What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts? A Scare-ousel (By Stan Kegel) Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Clynch Varnadore) How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. (From Gr8 Humor) What do you call a panty raid on a coven? An embarrassment of witches.. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts. (By Jeff P. Symonds) Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon? A Were-doe (By Stan Kegel) What do you call a middle eastern exotic dancing mummy? A gauza stripper (By Gary Hallock) What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? Put your boos and shocks on. (From C C Jokes) Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer. (By Clynch Varnadore) Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves... (By Jackie Holle) What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street? Buckle your sheet belt .(From Ernie) How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From C C Jokes) Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with. ( By Trinitty) What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein. (By Clynch Varnadore) Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with... (By Jackie Holle) What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school? A Dead Give-away (By Stan Kegel) What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist. ( By Trinitty) What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? Don't spook until your spooken to. (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror. (From C C Jokes) What was the werewolf's first name? Harry (By Gary Hallock) What's a broom? Witch craft. (By Lars Hanson) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.(By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Where did the goblin throw the football? Over the ghoul line. ( By Trinitty) Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.(By Jackie Holle) What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch. (From C C Jokes) How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. (From C C Jokes) What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a. ( By Trinitty) What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo boos. (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo! (By Jeff P. Symonds) Who is the witches favorite singer? Robert Ghoulet (By Stan Kegel) What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? Mas-scare-a. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous ghost detective? Sherlock Moans. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous witch detective? Warlock Holmes ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones. ( By Trinitty) Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart ( By Trinitty) What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo (By Randall Woodman) Where does Dracula water ski? On Lake Erie, off course. (By Norman Gilbert) What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray. (By Clynch Varnadore) Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank. (From C C Jokes) Why would you expect a snappy comeback from a mad scientist? They are known for their quick retorts. (By Lars Hanson) What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?" (By Jackie Holle) Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building. ( By Trinitty) "What do you call an empty hot dog?" "A hollow weenie." (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). How do vampires get around on Halloween night? By blood vessels (By Jeff P. Symonds). Why do you always find ghouls and demons together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson). What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.. (By Jackie Holle). Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He had no guts. ( By Trinitty) What are a vampire's favorite snacks? Adam's apples and nectarines (Bunch o'jokes Club) . Why can't the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie. ( By Trinitty) Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps (By Gary Hallock) Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights. (From C C Jokes) What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula. (By Clynch Varnadore) What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck. ( By Trinitty) What do the birds sing on Halloween? Twick or Tweet (By Jeff P. Symonds) Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster? (By Randall Woodman) What kind of car do the German scientist drive who clone sheep? Vee Double Ewe (By Gary Hallock) If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits (By Stan Kegel) . Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." (From C C Jokes) Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore) Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life. ( By Trinitty) Where do corpses eat lunch? At the cadaver-teria (By Cynthia MacGregor) Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones (By Jeff P. Symonds) What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? "You're under a vest!" (From C C Jokes) How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark? They use jackal lanterns. (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi. (By Norman Gilbert) Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures. ( By Trinitty) How did the ghost repair his sheet? With a pumpkin patch. (By Clynch Varnadore) What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein... (By Jackie Holle) How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. (By Bunch o'Jokes Club:) What's soft, moldy and flies? A spoiled bat. (From C C Jokes) Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo. ( By Trinitty) After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back from the drugstore? Prints of darkness (By Gary Hallock) Where did the vampirehis savings account? At a blood bank (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. (By Clynch Varnadore) What do you call two witches living together? Broommates. ( By Trinitty) Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball? It was his bat. (From C C Jokes) What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid ( By Trinitty) What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone.. (By Jackie Holle). Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin (By Gary Hallock) What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends... (By Jackie Holle) What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains? Hungarian Ghoul Ash? (By Gary Hallock) What should you say when you meet a ghost? "How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?" (From C C Jokes) Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license. ( By Trinitty) How do you make a witch scratch? Take away her "W".(Bunch O‚ Jokes Club) What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They boo-kle their seatbelts (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of dog does a mad scientist have? A lab. (By Lars Hanson) Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath... (By Jackie Holle) After watching an undertaker, how might you describe someone's death? As a fit of coffin. (By Lars Hanson) Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in. (From C C Jokes) What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? Whipped scream. ( By Trinitty) Do witches stay home on weekends? No. They go away for a spell. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club) : What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane.. (By Jackie Holle). How did the witch get around when her broomstick broke:? She witch-hiked. (From MAL) Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation... (By Jackie Holle) What do you call a little monsters parents? Mummy and deady ( By Trinitty) Where do ghosts go shopping? In Boo-tiques. (From C C Jokes) What is Transylvania? Dracula's terror-tory (By Jeff P. Symonds) What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist. (By Clynch Varnadore) How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor? Because he kept his monster in stitches. (By Clynch Varnadore) What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat? A washin' werewolf (By Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson) Whom did the zombie invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up. (From C C Jokes) What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE. ( By Trinitty) How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape. (From Bunch o'Jokes Club) What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet. (By Clynch Varnadore) What type of dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds... (By Jackie Holle) What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich... (By Jackie Holle) How do Halloween spooks learn to be so scary? They attend ghost graduate school. (By Richard Lederer and P.C. Swanson) How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (From Bunch of Jokes Club) How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes. ( By Trinitty) Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle! (By Norman Gilbert) What kind of vehicle does Satan drive? A Cadillac Devil (By Gary Hallock) Why is the witch like a candle? They are both wicked. (From C C Jokes) Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin! (By Clynch Varnadore) What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetite! (From Placebo Page) What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home? A grave problem. ( By Trinitty) What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball... (By Jackie Holle) What kind of vehicle does God drive? Jesus Chrysler (By Gary Hallock) What does a vampire fear most? Tooth decay (By Jeff P. Symonds) Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? He was dead on his feet. (From C C Jokes) What can't you give the headless horseman? A headache. ( By Trinitty) When you die and come back as a hillbilly, what's it called? Re-Intarnation (By Gary Hallock) Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend (By Clynch Varnadore) Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club. ( By Trinitty) What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to place a hex on a taxicab? A spell checker (By Gary Hallock) What do rednecks do on Halloween? PUMP-kin (From The Placebo Page) What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost-Toasties (By Gary Hallock) Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms (By Randall Woodman) Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos. ( By Trinitty) What is a ghost's favorite ice cream flavor? Boo-berry. (By Lars Hanson) What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich. (By Jeff P. Symonds) What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray (By Clynch Varnadore) How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? Give him screws. ( By Trinitty) Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite... (By Jackie Holle) Where do vampires learn to suck blood? In law school... (From C C Jokes) Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night. ( By Trinitty) [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]   Free! Click here for your chance at free prizes! VOTE: 16 votes 9 votes   Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 16 votes 4 votes   A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 7 votes 8 votes   While my brother-in-law was typing away at his home computer, his six-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!" [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     VOTE: 12 votes 3 votes   Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle" 1. Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? box all day! 2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me. 3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire. 4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese. 5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose. 6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right. 7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt. 8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet. 9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds. 10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me. 11. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. [ Top ]  [ Email this joke to a friend ]     Page: 1