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- Marvin had been feeling down for so long that he finally
decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited
for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel
better.
The psychiatrist asked Marvin a few questions, took some notes
then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled
look on his face.
- Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and
said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is
very common among losers."
- The following are some classic written excuses given to teachers
in the Alburquerque public school system:
"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She was
in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."
"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his
side."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off
his face."
"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."
"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had
a going over."
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical
ed. Please execute him."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hit in the growing part."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent this weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."
- A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after
this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his
wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked
her to go to Germany and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"
she asked.
He replied "Just send me a postcard and write "sauerkraut"
on the back"
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called
him at the office and explained "Dear, you recieved a very
strange post card in the mail today and I dont understand what
it means."
The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and read
it and I will explain it to you".
- Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard,
fell to the floor with a heart attack and died So the wife picked
up the card and read "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut.
Sauerkraut - Two with wieners, two without".
- A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices
a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman
just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it
was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right!"
- The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! 5 boxes for a
dollar, no strings attached."
- Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding
night, so he decided to seek the advice of his friend John, who
was quite the local Romeo.
"Just relax, Bob," counseled John. "After all,
you grew up on a farm - just do like the dogs do."
Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to her mother's
house in tears and announced that she wasn't going to live under
the same roof as Bob for even one more night. "He's totally
disgusting!" she wailed.
- At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to find
out the exact nature of the problem, but finally she broke down.
"Ma, he doesn't know anything at all about how to be romantic,
how to make love. . . he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing
on the bedpost!"
- Ricky's Daily Words of Wisdom:
-
- "I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying,
and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a
perfect day."
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