President Bush unveiled a national energy strategy Thursday calling for new oil and gas exploration -- including some on federal lands that many in Congress believe should be off-limits. 

Well, you can see why people like Senator Ted Kennedy would be concerned about gas exploration on federal property - he looks like he's filled with more gas than a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.

Bush said he was "deeply concerned about the impact of rolling blackouts in California."

His concern was lessened when he learned that "Sesame Street" was filmed in New York, not California.

May 17, 2001
Web posted at: 8:15 a.m. EDT 

The World Wrestling Federation has co-produced a new reality television program, "WWF Tough Enough," a show in which 13 would-be wrestling superstars fight it out in a Stamford, CT home for 13 weeks for the right to be signed on to wrestle for the WWF.

Now I've heard of everything; a reality television show produced by the WWF.

May 16, 2001
Web posted at: 7:14 a.m. EDT 

A runaway freight train carrying thousands of gallons of hazardous material barreled through 66 miles of northwestern Ohio with no one aboard Tuesday, until a railroad worker was able to jump aboard and pull its brake.

Well, so much for the Bush Administration's "revolutionary" new plan for disposing of toxic nuclear waste.

May 16, 2001
Web posted at: 8:52 p.m. EDT 

Robert Blake's attorney Harland Braun said on Tuesday that he found actor Gary Busey's name on a list of people that Blake's murdered wife -- who he has called a career grifter who preyed on famous men -- was going to pursue.

It seems to me that if you're going to swindle celebrities, you might want to choose at least one or two that have actually earned some money in the last ten or twenty years. Who else was on her list? Don Knotts?

May 15, 2001
Web posted at: 2:28 a.m. EDT 

A palace official confirmed on Tuesday that Crown Princess Masako was pregnant after nearly eight years of marriage to the heir to Japan's ancient throne, Crown Prince Naruhito. 

Eight years? Sounds like Prince Naruhito might have something in common with New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.

The confirmation comes a month after officials said Masako was "showing signs" of pregnancy. 

Palace officials became suspicious after the Princess kept requesting late night snacks of sushi and pickles.

May 14, 2001
Web posted at: 5:01 p.m. EDT 

A study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine on Tuesday shows that Oscar winners live nearly four years longer than either actors who were never nominated or those who were nominated and did not win.

Yet another good reason not to give another Oscar to Tom Hanks or Julia Roberts.

May 14, 2001
Web posted at: 6:48 a.m. EDT 

Suzanne Somers, who played the ditzy Chrissy Snow on the sitcom "Three's Company," said in Sunday's Parade Magazine that she doesn't regret giving up her acting career.

Unfortunately for us, she doesn't have regrets about having an acting career in the first place, either.

May 13, 2001
Web posted at: 3:12 p.m. EDT 

Famous crooner Perry Como died Saturday at the age of 88 at his home in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla. 

When told of the news, George W. Bush expressed his regrets by praising Como as, "one of the finest Governors New York ever had."

May 11, 2001
Web posted at: 9:04 a.m. EDT 

In a statement Thursday, Michael Jackson denied rumors that he has plans to sell the rights he owns to the catalog of Beatles' songs.

Think this has anything to do with the fact that The Beatles are currently enjoying a resurgence in popularity among young boys?

May 10, 2001
Web posted at: 7:04 p.m. EDT 

The Culver City Police Department announced on Thursday that a urine test revealed that actor Robert Downey Jr. had traces of cocaine in his system when he was arrested last month.

Did they really need to do a urine test to figure that out? I'd think that his body would pretty much be excreting cocaine through the skin at this point.

May 10, 2001
Web posted at: 12:46 p.m. EDT 

Rap mogul Sean "Puffy" Combs, who was acquitted in March of weapons charges, is in final negotiations to play a convicted murderer in the film "Monster's Ball," a source close to Combs said Thursday. 

Combs' lawyer, Johnnie Cochran, is trying to get the role negotiated down to lesser charges.

May 10, 2001
Web posted at: 7:19 a.m. EDT 

Ellen Fein, co-author of the new book "The Rules III: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work," announced on ABC's "PrimeTime Thursday" that she is splitting up with her husband of 15 years.

I don't think this will hurt sales of the book at all. In fact, I'll bet there'll be plenty of men who are gonna run out and buy it for their wives … mainly, guys having affairs.

May 9, 2001
Web posted at: 9:58 p.m. EDT

The London Sun has reported that Michael Jackson is selling off his greatest asset, The Beatles catalogue, to raise money to keep himself in the style he has become accustomed to.

Who can blame him? We all know the cost of living for freakish, reclusive pedophiles is pretty steep these days.

May 9, 2001
Web posted at: 5:59 p.m. EDT 

"Survivor" executive producer Mark Burnett admitted this week that he sometimes reenacts scenes of his hit CBS show using body-doubles to get a more picturesque shot.

If that means that some of those shots of old man Rodger shirtless were actually done with a body-double, then I don't think I'd want to see the original footage.

May 9, 2001
Web posted at: 2:40 p.m. EDT

Paul McCartney defended the musical talents of his late wife Linda during a news conference on Wednesday, by saying that Michael Jackson requested she play keyboards on one of their collaborations and, "Michael Jackson isn't stupid."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there are better ways to prove a point than by relying on Michael Jackson's judgment.

May 8, 2001
Web posted at: 7:38 p.m. EDT 

Actress Nicole Kidman filed papers in Santa Monica Superior Court on Monday asking for a restraining order against a man who said that he was "strongly attracted" to her and who says he is running for president in 2004.

Will somebody please explain to Bill Clinton that he can't run for president again?