This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell. .......... Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! .......... I live in my own little world. But it's ok...they know me here. .......... I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Implants?" .......... I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast. .......... Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." .......... Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. .......... The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. .......... There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. .......... I hear marriage is wonderful. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. .......... Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. .......... I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. .......... Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. .......... If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? .......... How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? .......... Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? .......... Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative. .......... Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? .......... How come wrong numbers are never busy? .......... Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? .......... Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? .......... Does killing time damage eternity? .......... Why is it that night falls but day breaks? .......... Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? .......... Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it? .......... Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? .......... How can there be self-help "groups? .......... How do you write zero in Roman numerals? .......... How many weeks are there in a light year? .......... If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? .......... If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? .......... If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? .......... If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make foghorns out of? .......... If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? .......... If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? .......... Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? .......... Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot? .......... Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? .......... Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? .......... How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? .......... If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? .......... What's another word for thesaurus? .......... If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you! .......... If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? .......... What do you say to a blond girl that won't give in? "Have another beer." .......... I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. .......... How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? .......... A woman has to get the last word in any argument, anything a man says after that is the start of a new one! .......... Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen! .......... Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. .......... There are no accidents - only plans other people don't tell you about. .......... Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. .......... Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet interesting, exciting, unusual people, and kill them. .......... I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. .......... You never know how many friends you have until you buy a house on the beach. .......... Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips. .......... Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill. .......... Never get into a fight with an ugly bloke, he has nothing to lose! .......... Two nuts on a wall - walnuts! Two nuts on a chest - chestnuts! Two nuts on a chin - BLOW JOB! .......... The reason babies are so fragile is because they are made with only one screw! .......... Just the thought of you near me gives me butterflies in my stomach, no, wait, that's nausea, isn't it? .......... College is that period of four years where parents are allowed access to the phone. .......... Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? .......... You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. .......... A new study says that not enough sex can get a person's mixed thought up. Isn't interesting, that, huh? .......... I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. .......... Originality is the art of concealing your source. .......... A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.