Hum'o'Rama - Specific one shot miscellaneous routines : Political

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187 jokes in the category Political

	4 votes up	<- Vote! ->	3 votes down	Laff Factor: PG:1

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't
improve your lie.

George Deukmejian

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	3 votes up	<- Vote! ->	2 votes down	Laff Factor: PG:1

When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first
speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about crap for
a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who
happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texas man said,
"Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."

The second speaker said, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, but,
just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that
can out-lie Texas."

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	1 votes up	<- Vote! ->	0 votes down	Laff Factor: PG:1

TERRORISM-TEXAS STYLE

I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the
Taliban, politicians, and the news media. They say
terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming weeks and
months. What a joke! You have a better chance of
getting killed on Interstate 35E than by a terrorist. Osama
has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in
Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants to go with it. If he
did he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave.
He talks of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us.
He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked
by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.
Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain
Spotted Fever and Lime disease, blister beetles kill your
horse, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat
your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125
years. What's new? Our prairie dogs carry the plague,
armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats and skunks carry
rabies. We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins.

Ho hum.

They talk of gas and biological warfare. They have
never pulled in behind a cattle truck while its raining,
or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two cowboys
after they just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red.
Texas ain't for sissies!

We have posted signs all over the state that say
"Don't mess with Texas!" Osama, consider yourself warned!

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	4 votes up	<- Vote! ->	15 votes down	Laff Factor: PG:-11

WW3

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and
Powell?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys
doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans
and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle
repairman?!!!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would
worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

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	1 votes up	<- Vote! ->	0 votes down	Laff Factor: R:1

Only a Marine

The White House recently discovered it had too many generals
and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any
general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus
$10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
two points on the general's body, with the general getting to
select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He
walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis
to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might
like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous
two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension
expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the
medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer
attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical
officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and
began to work back. My God!" he said, "Where are your
testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

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