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138 jokes in the category Holidays
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Q. What do Michael Jackson ans Santa Clause have in common.
A. They both like to empty their sacks while little kids are sleeping.
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The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse!
Dad at the whore house, Mom smoking grass,
and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
Then out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew right away that fat fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart,
that son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have one hell of a night."
.
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Twas the month after Christmas....
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
.
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Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his
elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the
reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth
and two had jumped the fence and were out; heaven knows where
to... More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup
of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard,
he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to
drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the
door. Hed the door and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat
man?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree!
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20 ways to confuse Santa...
1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2.While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
3.Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4.While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.
5.Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull
goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!
6.Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7.Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.
8.Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9.While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As
soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't
have missed that last payment, and take off.
10.Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out,
with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another
plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk
in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11.Take everything out of your house as if it's just been
robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman
and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the
crime."
12.Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute
changes and corrections.
13.While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.
14.Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's
sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And
he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15.Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a
map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16.Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa
to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but
from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17.Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18.Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While
he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up,
act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20.Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and
then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of
us."
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