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29 jokes in the category Irish
24
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3
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Laff Factor:
R:21
The Missing Rooster
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the
chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish
manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that
was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village
he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?"
- all the men stood up.
"No No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock that doesn't belong to them?"
- half the women stood up.
"No No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my
cock?"
- all the nuns stood up.
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33
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19
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Laff Factor:
PG:14
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his
car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls
him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
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151
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161
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Laff Factor:
PG:-10
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be
sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick
replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right
away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the
service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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63
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31
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Laff Factor:
PG:32
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed, and
looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for
you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your
affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid
character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room to his son who had been
waiting. O'Malley said, "Well, son we Irish celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head
for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the
two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his
confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS!"
O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping with your
mother after I'm gone."
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8
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2
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Laff Factor:
PG:6
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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