Alan's Hum-o-rama
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51 jokes in the category Jewish
15
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11
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Laff Factor:
PG:4
The Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment
overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she
sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he
would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to
the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have
you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray everyday for 25
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and
understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful
things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."
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Laff Factor:
PG:5664
The Convention Flight
Taking his seat on a plane one day, Robert was overjoyed to see
a beautiful woman making her way toward the seat next to him.
Eager to get her talking, he asked, "So where are you flying to
today?"
"I'm heading for the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Las
Vegas," she said with a smile.
Robert was even happier. A beautiful woman, right next to him
on the plane,and she was going to a Nymphomaniac Convention!
"What will you do at the convention?" he asked, trying not to
show his excitement.
"I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality,"
she explained.
"What myths are those?" he asked.
"Well, one myth says African-American males are the most well-
endowed, when actually it is Native American men who are most
likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, but research shows that the best
lovers are Jewish men." Suddenly she became embarrassed.
"I'm sorry. I know this topic must sound a little strange. I
don't even know your name!"
The man held out his hand to her. "It's Tonto. Tonto Goldstein
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4
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Laff Factor:
PG:313
A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."
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Laff Factor:
PG:-3
Personal Ad:
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light
shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
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Laff Factor:
PG:954
Mother-In-Laws
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
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