Alan's Hum-o-rama
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576 jokes in the category Men & Marriage
3
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Laff Factor:
R:1
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
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Laff Factor:
PG:-7
This young guy takes his new girlfriend for a stroll downtown late one evening. She sees a designer leather handbag in one store; which is closed for the evening; and she begs him to get for her, so he picks up a brick and breaks the window. They grab the bag and high tail it for two blocks. They stop and she sees a stunning fur coat that she has to have. Again he finds a brick and breaks the glass, grabs the coat and both take off running. As he's catching his breath she points at a diamond ring on display in a jewelry store. "Please," she begs, but the guy in frustration yells at her, "Do you think I'm made of bricks?"
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Laff Factor:
PG:-2
At a party a guy walks over to his soon to be married buddy. "Hey, Jack, I saw that diamond you bought your fiance. It's huge!!! But I remember you told me you would get her something she could use, like a Jeep?" "Well," Jack answered, "I couldn't find a zirconium Jeep!!!"
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58
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Laff Factor:
PG:3
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiance, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said his father, "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." To the groom-to-be this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem to her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. The bride-to-be thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
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Laff Factor:
PG:-59
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called "Pre-dick-a-mints."
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