Alan's Hum-o-rama
Proving since 1996 there ARE more than 30 jokes on the internet...
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925 jokes in the category Misc
54
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Laff Factor:
PG:-2
The desperate new patient tells his therapist he feels as if nobody cares or even know he's alive. The doctor turns and says, "Next!"
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Laff Factor:
PG:-7
This young guy takes his new girlfriend for a stroll downtown late one evening. She sees a designer leather handbag in one store; which is closed for the evening; and she begs him to get for her, so he picks up a brick and breaks the window. They grab the bag and high tail it for two blocks. They stop and she sees a stunning fur coat that she has to have. Again he finds a brick and breaks the glass, grabs the coat and both take off running. As he's catching his breath she points at a diamond ring on display in a jewelry store. "Please," she begs, but the guy in frustration yells at her, "Do you think I'm made of bricks?"
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Laff Factor:
PG:23
Once there was a bus with 37 people and everyone on there was ugly. The bus crashed and everyone died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter gave them all one wish before entering. The first guy said, "Make me beautiful." Everyone followed suit. When there was about 10 people left Saint Peter saw that the man in the back was laughing. He kept on granting the people's wishes to be beautiful. By the time Saint Peter got to the last guy he was rolling all over the ground laughing really hard. Saint Peter said, "What is your wish?" and he said, "Make them all ugly again."
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Laff Factor:
PG:3
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiance, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said his father, "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." To the groom-to-be this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem to her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. The bride-to-be thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
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PG:2
HOW TO HAVE FUN ORDERING PIZZA:
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
8. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
9. Change your accent every three seconds.
10. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
11. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
12. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
13. Imitate the order taker's voice.
14. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
15. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
16. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his
supervisor he's fired.
17. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little
more OOMPH this time."
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