Babbles 1/16/05~ It appears this Nigerian diplomat is going to email me for the rest of my life, so I've decided to brake down and help him with his millions of dollars he can't seem to get any of you to take ... so I got that going for me, which is nice ... Good to see "Bocephus" wailin' the national anthem at the Jets collapse ... Prince Harry's fashion risk was about as cute as a Randy Moss rump rub ... if brains were taxed, those boys would get rebates ... snow in Arizona & Houston? ... did it get dark in here or do I have a tumor? ... "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" * Richard Jeni ... Have Mercy! Only 2 weeks away for our annual Super Bowl Vegas weekend, guess I better warn Visa ... "I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller." ~Henny Youngman ... marriage in America is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech ... A true story. Mickey Mantle drove Billy Martin to a friend's private south Texas ranch for bird hunting. With Billy waiting outside the private gate, Mickey went in and was informed by his rancher friend, his prize bull was dying and asked would Mickey spare him the pain of shooting the bull himself. Mickey seized the opportunity to repay Billy, an all-time practical joker, and stormed back outside, grabbed his shotgun off the truck rack and exclaimed, "That sumbitch let us drive all this way and now won't let us hunt!" Mick wheeled, aimed, and carefully shot the bull. Then immediately behind him, Blam! Blam! Blam! Flustered and ducking, Mickey spun around to find Billy, the consummate team player, rapid firing into the rest of the herd ... "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
~Gloria Steinem
12/31/04 Babbles~ Ponderings for the New Year
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
11/25/04 Babbles~ GobbleGobble! So you went to a fight and an NBA game broke out? ... Ron Artest says he was only defending his dignity ... okie dokie ... Why didn't "The Warrior" do a little defending when Ben Wallace was tellin' him; "I'm gonna knock your teeth so far down your throat you'll spit 'em out in single file?" ... guess Motown drunks are easier prey than a big dog so tall, if he fell he'd be half way home ...
HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY
STEP 1: GO BUY A TURKEY
STEP 2: TAKE A DRINK OF WHISKEY (SCOTCH)
STEP 3: PUT TURKEY IN THE OVEN
STEP 4: TAKE ANOTHER 2 DRINKS OF WHISKEY
STEP 5: SET THE DEGREE AT 375 OVENS
STEP 6: TAKE 3 MORE WHISKEYS OF DRINK
STEP 7: TURN OVEN THE ON
STEP 8: TAKE 4 WHISKS OF DRINKY
STEP 9: TURK THE BASTEY
STEP 10: WHISKEY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF GET
STEP 11: STICK A TURKEY IN THE THERMOMETER
STEP 12: GLASS YOURSELF A POUR OF WHISKEY
STEP 13: BAKE THE WHISKEY FOR HOURS
STEP 14: TEST THE LURKEY FOR NUMBNESS
STEP 15: TAKE THE OVEN OUT OF THE LURKEY
STEP 16: FLOOR THE LURKEY UP OFF OF THE PICK
STEP 17: TURK THE CARVEY
STEP 18: GET YOURSELF NUTHER SCOTTLE OF BOTCH
STEP 19: TET THE SABLE AND POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF TURKEY
STEP 20: BLESS THE SAYING, PASS AND EAT OUT
11/2/04 Babbles~ Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count again and learn you have 42 cows. You count again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting andanother bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
10/5/04 Babbles~ A Toast To Rodney Dangerfield )
I tell ya, with my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday,
"To the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Hey, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
Ya know I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her?
I said I didn't think I had enough gas.
I came from a tough neighborhood. I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway.
He said, "I don't know, no one's ever made it"
What a kid I got too, I told him about the birds and the bees.
He told me about the butcher and my wife.
I tell ya I don't get no respect.
9/20/04 Babbles~ Boo-Yah! As the election turns down the backstretch it appears some of our "Lawyers In Love" state model citizens refuse to give up the spotlight ... MJ, in retrospect, says he now wishes he'd never sprung for the earlier child molester payrolls ... duh ... Houston, we have contact. Welcome to your 1st dose of reality there fluffy ... Cousin Bubba Sez MJ may have slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching, but hey, whatever this freakshow is, we created it ... Evidently Macaulay Culkin got bored with being home alone ... and Congrats to Uncle Hugh for his induction into the Porn Hall Of Fame ... there's some proof evolution can go in reverse ... More insights to: Why did the chicken cross the road? ... Karl Marx: To seize the means of production and escape the alienation of the proletariat ... Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road ... Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain ... Groucho Marx: Chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt would have divorced him, but she needed the eggs ... "A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live." ~Bob Hope ... The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes." ... T. Bubba Bechtol, City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a live radio talk show what he thought of the torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but thunderous applause from the audience. "If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:
'Red is positive.' 'Black is negative.'"
8/31/04 Babbles ~ Hooahh! It's "Prime Time" ... Baseball Playoffs & Football Kickoffs ... the remote control's gonna be busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor ... Hats off to Greece & all the Olympiads! Nice Job, but next Oly-Oly lets add a couple of medals for "Best Tattoo" and "Worst Judge" (maybe break it down with "highest paid" and "absolute dumbest") ... Aha! in keepin' with the Olympic theme, this month's "Nitwit" was chosen in that same crooked judging tradition ... i want, i need, gimme, gimme ... "I really don't deserve this award, but then again, I have arthritis and I really don't deserve that either." ~Jack Benny ... Amsterdam now has talking toilets ... Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we're already there? ... Cousin Bubba Sez: "If a kid asks where rain comes from, tell him 'God is crying.' And if he asks why, tell him 'probably because of something you did.'" ... The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds ... (Osama Bin Hidin' excluded) ... Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said,
