In a note posted on the official Van Halen Web site, guitarist Eddie Van Halen has confirmed he has cancer and said he is beating the disease.

I've got a good feeling that Eddie's gonna beat this thing. After all, if he could work right next to David Lee Roth for all of those years without catching a disease, his immune system must be pretty tough.

April 30, 2001
Web posted at: 6:10 a.m. EDT 

Dennis Tito, the world's first paying space tourist, has begun his holiday aboard the international space station, after he and two Russian cosmonauts blasted off from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan on Saturday and docked their Soyuz rocket with the space station after a two-day flight.

Although the Russians provided Tito with a complimentary beverage and meal, he still had to pay for his cocktails.

Tito, who has paid $20 million for the trip, will spend six days aboard the space station, but will be limited to the Russian-built Zvezda module.

So, this guy paid $20 million for his ticket and he's restricted to the smaller, more cramped compartment of the aircraft? In other words, he's riding coach.

Under Tito's agreement with the Russians, he will be held responsible if he breaks anything. 

Maybe if the Russians had held ALL of their cosmonauts responsible for breaking things, Mir would still be flying.

April 30, 2001
Web posted at: 5:48 a.m. EDT 

Comedian Soupy Sales says he's not sure why his career is on the rebound some 40 years after he started his first television show.

I still can't understand why he had a career in the first place.

April 27, 2001
Web posted at: 6:10 a.m. EDT 

The U.S. economy grew at a 2 percent rate in the first quarter, indicating surprising strength in the world's largest economy, according to a government report Friday.

When he first heard the news, President Bush asked Dick Cheney "How many percents are in a dollar?"

April 27, 2001
Web posted at: 6:10 a.m. EDT

In an interview on the ABC News program "20/20," Denise Rich denied she ever had a sexual relationship with President Clinton.

She was pretty emphatic about it. She wagged her finger and said "I did not have sexual relations with that man, Bill Clinton…"

She also said she visited the White House 12 to 18 times but never spent the night there. 

That doesn't prove they didn't have sex. Heck, Bill wouldn't even bother getting up from his desk to have sex with Monica Lewinsky.

April 26, 2001 
Web posted at: 6:48 a.m. EDT 

While testifying at a civil trial in U.S. District Court in Manhattan on Wednesday, rocker Tommy Lee said he made good use of the four months he spent in jail in 1998.

That's good because he sure as heck doesn't seem to make good use of his time OUTSIDE of jail.

While locked up, Lee said he wrote lyrics and music, and sang the tunes into an answering machine at his California home. 

Maybe it's just me but, if I was in prison and I didn't want to attract attention to myself, I don't think I'd be singing songs into the telephone.

April 25, 2001 
Web posted at: 3:27 p.m. EDT 

Officials of the upcoming Miss Universe pageant are vehemently denying a claim by a French Internet site that Miss France was born a man, saying "So far, all signs point to the fact that she's a female." 

Normally, you'd suspect that the hairy legs and armpits would give it away, but since she's from France….

April 25, 2001 
Web posted at: 8:21 a.m. EDT 

NBC announced that is developing a new reality TV show called "Lost," which will follow pairs of strangers who are flown to an undisclosed location with few essentials and a small amount of cash. The first team to return to the starting point wins the prize. 

NBC is already planning a celebrity version of the show, where they drop Robert Downey Jr. and Matthew Perry off at an undisclosed location in Los Angeles after a raucous night of partying; the first one to make it home without getting arrested wins.

April 25, 2001 
Web posted at: 7:15 a.m. EDT 

Robert Downey Jr. was fired from the TV show "Ally McBeal" on Tuesday, hours after he was arrested in Culver City, California for being under the influence of drugs. 

I don't get it. Is that supposed to be a punishment? Not having to do love scenes with Calista Flockhart?

April 24, 2001 
Web posted at: 3:59 p.m. EDT 

Cable channel A&E will join the reality television business with "Real People TV," premiering this fall, in which people will be chosen to experience the wildest adventures they can imagine.

What would constitute a "wild adventure" for the average A&E viewer, I wonder? Staying up late to watch the end of "Masterpiece Theater"?

April 24, 2001 
Web posted at: 11:55 a.m. EDT 

Mensa has announced its top five board games at its 12th annual American Mensa Mind Games Competition.

Whose going to break to the news to George W. Bush that "Chutes & Ladders" didn't make the cut?

April 24, 2001 
Web posted at: 8:18 a.m. EDT 

The Walt Disney Co. is planning major cutbacks in its feature animation unit with dozens of jobs to be eliminated and salaries to be slashed by 30 to 50 percent, according to a newspaper report. 

That's pretty scary; I mean Donald Duck wasn't wearing any pants BEFORE these cutbacks….

April 23, 2001 
Web posted at: 6:07 p.m. EDT

Mainstream movie technicians are looking to the pornography industry to line up work in case writers go on strike when their contract expires May 1.

This could be a blessing in disguise for some. For example, pornography would be a step up for the people who worked on "Freddy Got Fingered".

Some actors, who could also be affected by the strike, have reportedly contacted pornography producers about finding "nonsexual" roles.

"Nonsexual" roles? Are these people familiar with how pornographic movies work?

April 23, 2001
Web posted at: 10:35 a.m. EDT 

Grammy-winning rapper Eminem pleaded no contest Monday to charges of carrying a concealed weapon and to a misdemeanor charge of brandishing a firearm in public during an argument with associates of a rival Detroit rap group last June. Judge Denise Langford Morris said she was not now considering jail time. 

She is, however, considering lengthy jail time related to the charge of performing at the Grammy Awards with Elton John.

April 23, 2001
Web posted at: 9:53 a.m. EDT

Former Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee recalls how he was high on Ecstasy and drunk on champagne the night he met former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson at a club on New Year's Eve 1994.

Doesn't this send the wrong message to kids? Play in a band, take drugs and get drunk and you'll pick up Pamela Anderson. Get a respectable job, stay sober and avoid drugs and you'll pick up Monica Lewinsky.

April 20, 2001
Web posted at: 9:37 a.m. EDT 

According to the Sunday Times, former Beatle Paul McCartney is Britain's richest musician, with a personal fortune of $1 billion.

We should all be glad he's so well off and won't be tempted to organize a "Wings" reunion album or tour.

April 20, 2001
Web posted at: 9:01 a.m. EDT 

Saying "The existence of child slavery shakes me to my very core," Michael Jackson announced plans on Tuesday to travel to Africa to study the plight of children sold into slavery.

In preparation, he's been spending a lot of time "boning up" on children's issues.

April 18, 2001
Web posted at: 9:20 p.m. EDT

NASA is planning a test flight in mid-May of the X-43A, a futuristic aircraft designed to accelerate through the atmosphere at speeds up to 7,200 mph to become the world's fastest plane.

Let's see the Chinese harass THAT plane!

April 18, 2001
Web posted at: 8:43 a.m. EDT 

The U.S. trade deficit fell to the lowest level in 14 months in February, reflecting a decline in imports of everything from oil to clothing.

It also reflects an increase in the export of $100 million spy planes to China.

April 18, 2001
Web posted at: 6:47 a.m. EDT 

Actor Paul Reubens is planning a new Pee-wee Herman movie, 13 years since the last one and 10 years after he pleaded no contest to indecent exposure charges.

Reubens is collaborating on the film with former President Bill Clinton. The working title is "Bill and Pee-wee's Excellent White House Adventure".

April 18, 2001
Web posted at: 6:11 a.m. EDT 

NBC's new game show "The Weakest Link" has proved popular with viewers, pulling in 14.7 million viewers on Monday, beating out all the competition in its time slot. 

Have you seen this show? Based on the intelligence level of the contestants, I think they should rename it "The Missing Link."

April 17, 2001
Web posted at: 9:11 a.m. EDT 

Aaron Sorkin, the creator of the Emmy-winning drama "The West Wing," was freed on bail after being arrested for investigation of possessing illegal hallucinogenic mushrooms on Sunday at Burbank Airport.

I always said that you'd have to be on drugs to hire Rob Lowe.

April 17, 2001
Web posted at: 7:21 a.m. EDT 

Michael Jackson will celebrate his 30th anniversary as a solo artist with an all-star concert at Madison Square Garden on Sept. 7, a publicist announced Monday.

Michael's favorite group will be performing - the Vienna Boys Choir.

April 11, 2001
Web posted at: 6:02 p.m. EDT 

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced Tuesday that he will allow survivors and families of victims of the Oklahoma City bombing to view a televised closed-circuit feed of the execution of Timothy McVeigh.

To put this in perspective, there were 168 people killed in the bombing, meaning that the total audience for the closed-circuit feed should be about the same as for an XFL broadcast.

April 11, 2001
Web posted at: 4:54 p.m. EDT 

Carol Dennis, a former backup singer for Bob Dylan, has acknowledged that they were secretly married for six years and have a child together.

Actually, it wasn't meant to be a secret, it's just that nobody can ever understand what Bob is saying.

April 11, 2001
Web posted at: 9:05 a.m. EDT 

Yahoo! officials have confirmed that the internet company has begun selling pornographic videos online and that, in fact, adult products have been available through Yahoo! Shopping for more than two years.

I guess we finally know what that exclamation point stands for now, aye?

April 11, 2001
Web posted at: 7:51 a.m. EDT 

California millionaire Dennis Tito will pay $20 million to become the first tourist in space, when he joins a Russian mission to the International Space Station later this month.

You know what the most amazing thing about this is? The guy is paying $20 million for this trip but he still has a layover in Detroit.

April 10, 2001
Web posted at: 9:53 p.m. EDT 

President Bush's former cat Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up in the wee hours Tuesday morning strolling Los Angeles' Avenue of the Stars.

It turns out Ernie was partying with Robert Downey Jr.'s cat and went on a bit of a bender.

April 10, 2001
Web posted at: 9:49 p.m. EDT 

James Taylor and his wife became parents of twins last week when an unnamed surrogate mother gave birth at an undisclosed location.

I think this whole trend of celebrity's hiring surrogate parents is getting a little out of hand. I hear that the Taylor's have hired surrogate parents to raise the children at an undisclosed location.

April 9, 2001
Web posted at: 2:16 p.m. EDT 

Actor Johnny Depp says that he lives in France with his girlfriend and 2 year old daughter because America is just too violent.

I can't blame him one bit. Look at all of the violent movies they make these days, like "Blow" and "Donnie Brasco". 

Is he really trying to say that France is safer than the U.S.? Isn't France just about due to get pancaked by Germany again?

April 9, 2001
Web posted at: 10:14 a.m. EDT 

Fruit of the Loom is suing competitor Gildan Activewear Inc., accusing the Montreal company of stealing trade secrets to grab a competitive edge in the cutthroat apparel business. 

This could provide cheating husbands with a pretty good excuse: "Honey, I swear, I wasn't sleeping with her, I was gathering information. I'm actually an international underwear spy!"

April 8, 2001
Web posted at: 9:48 p.m. EDT 

Tiger Woods claimed the greatest feat in modern golf Sunday by winning the Masters, giving him a clean sweep of the four professional majors in a span of 294 days.

President Bush made a congratulatory phone call to Woods after the win, telling Woods that he knew he would win because "you people are pretty good at cleaning and sweeping".

April 7, 2001
Web posted at: 1:03 p.m. EDT 

NASA launched a powerful new orbiter to scour Mars for evidence possible extraterrestrial life on Saturday. The mission is the first one to Mars since NASA suffered the disastrous losses of an orbiter and lander less than three years ago. 

I think it's safe to assume that even if there were life Mars, we've probably pretty much wiped it out with all of our spacecraft crashing into the planet.

April 6, 2001
Web posted at: 5:45 p.m. EDT 

Seven students at Richmond Hill Middle School in Georgia have been suspended from school for wearing T-shirts with Confederate flags on them.

Anybody ever seen "Cops"? Should we really be discouraging people in the South from wearing shirts of ANY sort?

April 6, 2001
Web posted at: 12:46 p.m. EDT 

Ernie, an orange-and-white tabby who used to make his home with George W. Bush is missing from his new home in Los Angeles. The first family gave Ernie up over fears he would claw White House treasures.

The Bushes are sad, now, that they gave up Ernie, seeing as how the there weren't any White House treasures left to claw after the Clinton's moved out.

April 6, 2001
Web posted at: 7:00 a.m. EDT 

An Italian-American organization on Thursday sued the makers of the HBO television series "The Sopranos," charging the program show offends the dignity of Italian-Americans.

In a related story, U.S. Marine drill sergeants are suing the producers of  Fox's "Boot Camp," for offending their dignity by implying they say things like "Save the drama for your mama!"

April 5, 2001
Web posted at: 8:52 a.m. EDT 

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell sent a placatory letter to Chinese Vice President Qian Qichen expressing regret over the loss of a Chinese pilot after a collision with a U.S. spy plane. China welcomed the expression but is keeping up calls for an apology.

The letter might have been more effective if Powell hadn't ended it by requesting the return of our plane and crew "chop chop."

April 4, 2001
Web posted at: 10:26 p.m. EDT 

Japan native Hideo Nomo became the fourth pitcher in major league history to throw a no-hitter in both leagues, leading the Boston Red Sox to a 3-0 victory over Baltimore on Wednesday night. 

Nomo was pitching so well last night that the Oriole hitters couldn't have gotten a hit even if he'd been throwing Japanese fishing boats at them.

April 4, 2001
Web posted at: 7:45 a.m. EDT 

The United States Postal Service announced yesterday that it will study cutting back to a five-day schedule that would eliminate mail delivery on Saturdays.

I know of one group that'll lobby pretty hard against this ... the NRA.

Facing a $2 billion to $3 billion loss this fiscal year, the agency also will examine how much money can be saved by consolidating and closing some postal plants and offices.

Here's an idea: why doesn't the Postal Service just request that people lose half of the mail they're going to send themselves and eliminate the middle man?

April 4, 2001
Web posted at: 12:06 a.m. EDT 

After conducting conducted a comprehensive review of 64,248 ballots in all 67 Florida counties, The Miami Herald reported that George W. Bush's razor-thin margin of 537 votes would have tripled to 1,655 votes if counted according to standards advocated by his Democratic rival Al Gore.

That's pretty amazing, actually, considering that the standards advocated by Al Gore were "count every ballot for Al Gore."

April 3, 2001
Web posted at: 10:16 a.m. EDT 

Chinese military officials have boarded a U.S. spy plane grounded in China and removed equipment from it despite U.S. protests, Pentagon sources said on Tuesday. 

Why are we so concerned about the Chinese getting their hands on this plane? What vital national security secrets could they learn? Our secret for great airline food?

The United States considers the plane, which is packed with sensitive electronic surveillance equipment, sovereign territory that should not be boarded by Chinese soldiers. 

This incident really shows how much the political landscape has changed since Clinton left office. A couple of months ago, for a small political donation, Chinese officials could've gotten their pictures taken at the controls of the plane.

President Bush described himself as "troubled" by China's response to the incident.

In private, Bush used harsher terms, saying that he couldn't understand why the Chinese "didn't learn their lesson when we dropped them nuclear bombs on them in World War II."

April 2, 2001
Web posted at: 6:44 a.m. EST 

Paul McCartney has purchased a house in Hollywood Hills from rocker-actress Courtney Love, who bought it in 1997, because he's tired of staying in hotels.

Here's what I'd really like to know: if he's willing to move into Courtney Love's old house, then what the heck kind of hotels has he been staying at when he comes to town?

April 1, 2001
Web posted at: 12:01 p.m. EST 

Master illusionist David Copperfield plans to face his nightmare of dying in a fire by escaping from a man-made 140 mph tornado of flames generated inside a warehouse on the Hudson River in an event that will be televised live on CBS. 

That's funny; I often dream about David Copperfield dying in a fire, except I wouldn't exactly call it a "nightmare".